Big Helium Dog
A DIARY (PART TWO)

When we last left off, we were on the Big Helium Dog (BHD) set and Kevin & Kim had just arrived. Will we make fools of ourselves? Will we be so completely annoying that we get sent home? Will we ever shut up? Let's continue on with our day...

Saturday, approximately 9:05 AM: Kevin meets and greets a few of the crewmembers, who give him a copy of his lines for the day. Kevin is playing the character of the Director in the movie. Confused yet? Good. Anyway, in today's scenes, Kevin will be talking TO the camera in a sort of documentary fashion, commenting on topics relating to the film. STILL confused? Sorry. I did my best. See the movie.

9:15 AM: Kevin disappears with some of the crew to the makeup area, while the shot is set up. Because several scenes will be filmed with Kevin on this location (That appear sporadically throughout the film), it was important that everything be perfect. A Biddle rental truck was put into frame for product placement (Pepsi will also play a big part in the film from the look of things), and quite a bit of time was spent placing lighting and other props intentionally in frame so it would appear that Kevin was actually on location of a movie set.

9:30 AM: Kevin's back and ready! He takes his place at his marks in front of the camera, and begins the first of his monologues...Great stuff, too. Brian's written some funny dialogue here that Kevin has no problem adapting (and ad-libbing slightly with each subsequent take). Quite often we found ourselves and the rest of the crew stifling laughter, which was then let loose after we all heard "CUT!". After three or four takes, everyone's happy with the outcome and it's time to move on.

9:50 AM: We're approached by the assistant director who says, "We could use a couple of grips...Could you guys help us out?" Of course I say, "Sure! What do you need us to do? Help lift and move stuff around?" (Thinking that he actually wanted GRIPS, not for us to PLAY grips...) So, anyway, it turns out that in the next few scenes with Kevin talking to the camera, they'd like to have some activity going on behind him. It's ultimately decided that we will play DRUNKEN GRIPS, two members of the incompetent BHD crew that just happened to drink so much that they passed out cold.

You'll see Chris doing a face plant in the grass in the right of the frame, and myself (Brad) lying on my back, partially under the equipment truck, still clutching that last precious beer bottle to my chest. Quite a stretch for us, huh? We see the irony. It was the role we were born to play. Anyway, we'll appear in three or four scenes of this nature (We lost count, but we believe these scenes took somewhere between one and two hours to film, but it was a blast!). How many other fanboys can say they appeared on film in a scene with the man himself? Not many.

By the way, lying there wasn't quite as easy as it looked! Our performances must have been convincing, since the insects (flies for me and ants for Chris) seemed to take a liking to us at the most inappropriate times. We manged to keep it still though, and had a great time doing it. All for the sake of art.

11:30 PM: Kevin films a final scene which will roll during BHD's closing credits. It's absolutely hilarious stuff, and the crew continuously breaks up in laughter, take after take. By the way, we're not revealing the nature of these scenes or clips here...We're respecting the BHD folks by leaving the secrets in the closet, at least until we're allowed to reveal them. Trust us, it wouldn't make much sense if we told you, anyway. You just had to be there. But here's a little tidbit: Expect some surprise cameos (even aside from the obvious Askew folks) in the flick!

11:45 AM: "And that's a wrap, for Mr. Kevin Smith!" The gathering crowd breaks into applause for Kevin's great performances for the morning. Kevin talks to a few neighbors and the crew, and we manage to get his attention before he heads on his way. We shake hands, introduce ourselves, and thank him for the movies. He thanks us for the website and tells us that he enjoys it. What a great guy. We pull the fanboy thing and ask if he might be at the Stash later to sign a couple things for us. He tells us possibly, but if not to have Jay give him a call. Just as the legend says, folks, Kevin Smith is a friendly, down to earth guy who appreciates his fans. It just makes you enjoy the flicks even more. Thanks, Kevin! Oh, by the way, I think Kevin saw the irony in the parts we played in the scene as well, but I forget his exact comments on that one.

12:00 PM: Where do you go from there? It was only noon and we'd already seen and done more than we could have possibly imagined. During some downtime, we meet and chat with Brian Quinn, the newest View Askew employee who web regulars might remember from his rant to a Kevin Smith-hating bookstore employee. Brian's all decked out in his Vance costume (A terrycloth bathrobe...Yes, we said "terrycloth"... Why oh why did we not bring a camera!??!?). Brian's also the casting director on BHD, and, like everyone else we've met so far, a helluva guy.

12:05 PM: It's around this time that Vincent finally resurfaces in his Cigarette Fairy costume. Man, is this a sight to behold! I believe they're trying to keep Vincent's look under wraps, so we'll just say one word...SCARY. We almost didn't recognize him! The next few scenes would mark the final appearances of The Cigarette Fairy in the film.

12:15 PM: The first scene involves the Cigarette Fairy arriving at the front door to make a house call. At this point, we're pretty confused, but after taking a look at the script, we see the humor. This is funny stuff!

12:40 PM: In the next scene filmed, the Cigarette Fairy and Vance have a short discussion as they walk up the driveway to the house. This is the first moving camera shot that we've seen today, and it definitely takes a bit longer to set up and execute. Also, interestingly enough, this scene will go BEFORE the one we've just witnessed in the final cut, which we soon realize after listening to the dialogue.

• The Cigarette Fairy, played by Vincent Periera, in our opinion, will be the breakout character in this film. His performance has echos of Jason Lee's Banky and Brodie characters. He's a bitter, rude, and unhappy guy, and we loved every second of it. Seeing BHD will be worth it for this performance alone. And we're NOT just saying that, either.
  
  

1:15 PM: The final scene before lunch takes place on the back of a pickup truck, and is a brief exchange between the Cigarette Fairy and one of his cohorts, The Bedpan Fairy, played by the notorious Rick Derris. Another instant classic.

While this scene is set up, we have the chance to chat with Neil, one of the Askew "Riders", who's been working his ass off on the set all day. Between all his tasks, he still managed to spend quite a bit of time with us, and we appreciated that. You folks that hold general contempt for the Riders may want to reconsider, they're ALL certainly not that bad.

1:30 PM: Two beautiful blonde actresses have arrived on set. We learn that they'll be playing bikini girls in the next scenes. NOW I remember why I always wished I was in the movie business.

2:00 PM: Lunch! The crew chows down on hot dogs, chips, sodas, and other nutrients as Vincent loans me his BHD script. FINALLY! Some of this stuff makes sense! Well...Sorta, anyway! In all seriousness, the script DOES have an ongoing story, but it does sidetrack into smaller skits quite often, many of which are very crude and very funny. The origin of the name of BHD's production company ("Ray Is Dead") is revealed! I finally understand the Cigarette Fairy's character! And there's oh, so much more! I believe the script was 86 pages, many of which I just skimmed through, due to time constraints and the fact that I don't normally like to read scripts before seeing a film. Great stuff, though.

3:00 PM: Lunch has come to an end, and it's time to film the next scene. Everyone hops to and gets right back into it. Quite admirable! After my lunch hour I usually need at least an extra 20 minutes or so to readjust. But I digress. This will be the Cigarette Fairy's final scene, where he appears flanked by the two aforementioned beautiful bikini girls as he delivers his lines.

Wait! What's this? Neil approaches us and informs us that they'd like to use us in this scene! Yes! First Kevin Smith and now we're going to appear with Vincent AND bikini girls? Yep, it's true. Actually, we were totally shocked that we were asked to appear in the flick at all, after all, these people don't even KNOW us. A pretty big gesture on their part, for sure. We're called to the set and we approach, wondering what we'll be doing this time...

CLICK HERE FOR THE THRILLING CONCLUSION!

You'll hear about the final scenes, our trip to the Stash, and our encounter with Jay Mewes! We'll also wrap up the entire experience with some final thoughts.