Guest Report By ClerkJerk

'We Went, We Saw, I Showed My Ass' by Clerkjerk

It all began so innocently. Keyser Soze and I called PirateGirl about 9:30 Saturday morning. We woke her up for she had been out drinking the night before and had a little too much...that my friends was a sign of things to come. Having been to Red Bank once before we got only a little lost on the way down. The blind leading the retarded I tell ya. We made it into town clad in our biker jackets. We WERE "the ambiguously gay trio". We set forth on a mission of intimidation and debauchery that would eventually force Mewes into rehab.

After meeting Chris and Turtle, or as I like to call them Jesus And The Mary Chain 'cause they're so cool, we hooked up with the radiant Sage, drank some jo and saw a bunch of people who resembled the comic book store owner from The Simpsons (Kevin Smith being one of them) ;-) Then it was off on the tour.

In perhaps his best role since Dante in Clerks Brian O'Halloran led our tour like the guy who reads the opening prayer at an AA meeting. The four of us (KS, PG, myself and Johnny Walker Red) settled in for the ride. We saw all the sites including the park and diner from Chasing Amy, Dante's house, Poston's Funeral Home (one lucky group was even treated to a real funeral complete with dead guy), the Quick Stop & Video Store and tons of insignificant sites made more intersting by Jay's smoke induced ramblings. FOLKS! IT'S NOT AN ACT. The highlite of the tour was Jay running from the bathroom back to his seat with his pants around his ankles. A boy after my own butt. And speaking of my butt, KS took a picture of it outside the Quick Stop...a photo op that apparently was worthy of mention on the next tour so I was told.

After the tour the three of us took a lovely drive through south Jersey thanks to our navigational deficiencies. Fortunately we were guided back to port by a hotel employee where we found Chris and Turtle waiting with open arms. We met a few more folks, spread the word that the party was in our suite and proceeded with the lovin'.

People! Never let a pregnant woman order Chinese food. Sage had us awash in $90.00 worth of egg rolls and moo-shoo. The scent must have spread because before long we had what must have been 40 people in our room. Chris was getting lovin' from Peeg and Turtle, KS was whipping up his famous melon ball surprise which looked more like anti-freeze than a cocktail, I was preparing for my nine o'clock ass showing while Peeg was consuming twice her body weight in booze. After about an hour or so the Riders showed up thus revealing why they held such resentment towards the Other White Board folk-jealousy! They'd have to wear ice pants to be half as cool as us. We contemplated using Ben (Holy Toads) as a jump- rope but we let them hang out and see how the cooler half lived (Ha! Ha!). It was sometime between then and 2:30 a.m. the rumors of my boxer short biker jacket appearence were spread. Any photographic eveidence of this will surely have to be doctored to include my face.

Sunday morning found our room looking much like a scene from Twister only with more Chinese food. We gathered up, ate some bagels and hung out one last time prior to departure for a deep discussion of Indian porn and mentally challenged rock bands. As for why KS's bed was filled with empty duck sauce packets I have NO idea! After all was said and done a good time was had by all. The folks unable to attend were there in thought. We made it home and soon all fell asleep on our collective couches. Asleep with sweet dreams of DJ Andy, Sage, Chris and Turtle, Chopper, Hoochiemama, Hal, Philthy Phil, The Marksman, Paulapalooza, Kevin Smith, the free pizza and donuts and everything/one that made Saturday and Sunday seem like two days in Red Bank.