Guest Report By SwagMan

Well, basically, I can't tell this story any good unless I start Friday night.

None of you know who I am, simply because I just found out about the message board and haven't posted a God damn thing yet. But don't worry, that should change. First, my name is Mike. I was the tall guy who needed a shave wearing an "Islanders" hat in Group 2. I'm from NY. I'm 23. How ya doing?

Friday night I worked. I'm a Customer Service Manager at the Broadway Multiplex, Hicksville NY. (By the way, if any of you come to Hicksville and ask for me, and mention the Gala, I might be inclined to let you watch a movie for free...). Anyway, the night was winding down, and I knew I had to get up early the next morning, because me and my friend Ben had tickets for Group 2. 9 freaking AM. In Red Bank, NJ. He was gonna pick me up at 5:45. Like I was saying, the night was winding down and me and two other manager, Paul (who's the straightest gay guy you'll ever meet), and Melanie (she's, like, the only hot chick at work) were hanging out in the lobby. Paul and Mel were checking out guys that walked in. A guy came in with two girls, one blond, one brunette, they instantly thought the guy was "cute", and I commented that I thought the blond wasn't bad looking either. The brunette turned around, and I got a good look at her face. "Paul", I said, covering my hand over my mouth, "That's Natilie fucking Portman."

Now, this ain't the first time Nat Portman has come into the theatre. Last time I froze big time and couldn't say a word to her. I'm like that. When I met Terry Moore (those of you who know comics should know Terry "Stranger in Paradise" Moore) I was like, "MY NAME MIKE. HI. SIGN BOOK. BYE." To make a long story short, I had Paul go talk to her and tell her she's welcome to a free movie anytime she wants. I believe she said something like, "Why?", which Paul replied, in a very fan-boyish way, waving his arms up and down, "Because you're Princess Leia's mommy!"

What this has to do with my experience at the Gala is that I was such on a high, I had no sleep Friday night. Which, in a way, was good, because I was hoping the extreme tiredness would hinder my bad habit of freezing. You know, when you're really tired you tend to have less inhibitions. So, after coming home from the bar at three, and talking online until 5:30, Ben picked me up at 6 and we was off.

The Tour

Needless to say, we got there an hour early. What did we know? We did, however, get a sweet ass parking spot a block over from the Stash.

Needless to say, there was someone who was there before us, sitting outside, one kid was in shorts. You know who you are. Why shorts, man?

Having an hour to kill, we sat in the Seattle Style Coffee Shoppe (I don't recall the name, but I'm pretty sure it was a pun like the rest of the stores on Broad St.) The place had great ambiance. Some of the painted were a little weird, but Ben reminded me we were in New Jersey. I got the best cup of coffee ever, a "Red-Eye", house blend with a shot of espresso. Any remnants of being tired were washed away in this cup of hot bliss. Me and Ben talked about our plan of attack for the day. We brought the comic we recently wrote (a parody of the mega-hit, Fathom, aptly titled Phathom) and we wanted to hand it off to Kevin Smith to see if he liked it. The artist who did it is one of those guys you hate, the one who can draw better than anyone else, without really trying. He drew much better than a stupid parody comic that only sold 1,200 copies. Anyway, I told Ben he would have to speak. He would have to be the lead and i would be his wing-man. It seemed as if it was gonna be another one of those outings where I would kick myself for not having balls to talk.

The tour started, and me and Ben pointed out the since we were the first, we would be getting the bad jokes as well as the good ones. Y'know, to see which ones would work and which ones wouldn't. I forgot what he said, but O'Halloran's first joke got more silence than the end of Shinlder's List. I looked at Ben, and whispered, "Strike that one for the next tour."

My tourmates weren't as bad as I thought. No one was a totally annoying film dork loser who has nothing better to do than prove filmmakers wrong. You know. "In Scene 43 of reel two, of the so-called "film" clerks of the so- called "Chewbacca" scene, Randall is holding a cigaret in one hand and in the next scene as he talks to "Dante" Hicks the cigaret moves to his left... Are we supposed to be lead to believe that this is some sort of magic cigaret?" Heh heh. You know who you are.

No one really said, "I'm not supposed to be here today", as much as I would have liked, but oh well.

Seeing the sights was actually really cool, even the "real" funeral going on at the funeral parlor was a nice touch. Great timing, guys.

I wanted the Coey London (how do you spell "Coey"?) shot outside the Quik Stop, but Ben was hesitant to get on his knees. Figures.

The Stash

One thing that's bothered me about all the commentary I've read so far on the Gala is the emergence of the word "Swag" into everyone's vernacular. That's my nickname from college. Cut it out. :P

The store was incredible.

The fact that it could fit the 50-odd people in it says volumes about it's size. Definitely, as Hannibal Lector would say, "Roomy."

I was a bit surprised about seeing Joe and Jimmy there, not to mention Amanda. I was a big fan of them way back when, and have a handful of their autographs already, so I basically paid them no attention. I think they're doing great things with Marvel, but does anyone else think the art in Daredevil hasn't been up to par with their past work? I think they might be trying to wear too many hats, but that's my opinion. Ben mentioned I shouldn't "rock the boat" in saying that, because I know them and Kev are buds, but I felt it had to be said. I just think their capable of doing SO much better.

The props from the movies were an excellent addition, but it's too bad we couldn't take any pics. Now that's something that could be called "Swag". Oh, well, it was still cool to see. I seem to be the only Kevin Smith fan who hasn't read Dogma yet. I think I wanna wait, though. Don't wanna ruin it. Ben told me about the basic plot, and it sounds fabulous. I tend to think things different about religion, and I think me and Kevin Smith might have some of the same ideas. But he got Matt Damon in his movie. :)

The trailer for Vulgar. During the course of the day we were feed about how "dark" the film is. It's "edgy". It took a few minutes to cue up, and we were treated to a black screen. Ben, who got a laugh from the whole store, commented, "It sure is dark." He shook his head in the 'I'm the shit' way, and we both smiled.

Was Kevin Smith one of the 3 cocks?

It was time to give Kevin Smith the photocopied version of "Phathom". We approached him, while he was in a conversation with Joe, Jimmy and co., and gave him the goods. Mission successful. He was holding it like the whole rest of the time we were there. Hopefully, it didn't end up as someone's pizza napkin (NJ pizza, ew). We later realized we didn't put any e-mail on it, and Ben later gave him his e-mail (Swell41@aol.com). Kevin Smith said he liked the art and was going to read it. We felt like little school girls, and I probably would've given him head right there, circus seal style. Ew, you gay fuck. I LOVE WEMMMEN! I'L-- ahem. Sorry.

Dogma looks like the second best movie of this year. The other one, of course, will be with "Princess Leia's mommy". Ben Affleck, while I am not gay, looks great in anything he does. Someone who I was talking to the other day agreed with me, noting how, after saving the world in Armageddon, he still looked "hot". he looks great as a devil / fallen angel / Loki / whatever he plays. Jason Lee, is of course, funny in whatever he does. Looks as though he a got a juicer part than just yelling, but we like the yelling. Jay with an uzi was indeed, scary. Matt Damon will be good, as usual. Linda Fiorentino, rarrrr (makes claw movements with hands). Chris Rock said "nigger", brilliant. Best thing is, we saw the trailer twice. It ended with a rousing applause.

The effects shots looked good, but they weren't done yet. I dunno, I have a good eye and it might seem that I'm overly critical, but hey, they were prelim shots, right? The "shit" looked funny. What's with Mooby?

After plucking down 3 bucks for the latest Cerebus, it felt like we were there for HOURS. Now it was a great time, but I was incredibly tired, hot, and a little bored by now. We saw the Dogma trailer, gave Kevin Smith our comic, ate bad pizza, drooled at the props, liked the back issue selection, and it was time to go. All good things come to an end... but we have the re-release of Clerks (which, I think, as someone who works in a theatre, could go the way of Star Wars, or of Dirty Dancing...), and the pending release of Dogma and Vulgar. Can't wait. And, hopefully, we'll get a good review of our stupid little comic book.

All in all

I think it was worth 30 bucks and a two hour trip (we hit traffic on the way home...). I didn't like the fact that to get into and out of Red Bank, you had to pay a quarter, but I'm a stupid Jew. :) Oh, if any of you guys or girls is interested in the comedy that is Phathom (and I say that sarcastically), check out the Blatant Comics website, at: http://members.aol.com/hot100per/blatant.html

Sorry if I took up too much time explaining about Natalie Portman, but I don't think I'm ever gonna have a weekend like this again. I mean, how many times can you meet someone whose going to be in Star Wars one night, and Jay and Silent Bob the next morning?

Hope to hear from anyone with comments, and I'd like to thank all the people who put together a great tour and an memorable day. And thank's to the NewsAskew guys, if they post this. :)