Being my second event, I can safely say the Vulgarthon experience truly begins months in advance of the actual event. As the “Boy’s in Red”, begin talking about establishing a date for ticket sales (these messages usually proceeded with a post from Kevin that Harley’s tuition will cost more than he expected), anticipation rises to a boil.

Board postings [www.viewaskew.com] become flooded with delight and dismay. Some people too happy, others too damn sad.

“Marksman88!” yell the gleeful, “what’s the deal with the hotel?”

“Who’s all going?!” announces a lonely, lonely man from a small, obscure state.

But sad are those living in remote areas of the world. Sharing their keyboards with Sasquatch and Elvis, they pour their hearts out to a Bulletin board too excited to feel their pain.

The great day of ticket sales arises and the Board becomes eerily quiet as all nervously poise their hand above the telephone keypad and dare not blink for fear of missing the clock’s most magic of times…12:00pm. The clock has flicked and the fingers are dancing.

Wait what’s this? A ring? Already? But alas, the operator informs me the circuits are busy. But I smile, knowing I managed to get tickets last time within the first ten minutes.

Time has passed by quickly and the only one interested in speaking to me is the operator. She’s nice enough to break up the prerecorded messages with an occasional pause, followed by a disconnect. Do I even have the right number?

Too much time has passed; I drop the damn 10-10 number. Ten minutes, twenty…Damn it Kevin, get more phone lines! I yell to myself. The Web Board already has people checking in: Maryland, Kentucky, England…England? For Christ sake I’m two hours away and England has already scored seats!

Thirty minutes have passed and I can visualize myself sitting at home the day of the event. Quietly I sit before the big screen TV as Clerks plays with the sound turned off. Only a gentle sobbing echoes though the room.

“Vulgarthon”, states the apathetic voice of an ‘Askew Staffer.

And as I gleefully join the Board to announce my success, a youth somewhere in America curses his parent’s name, while waiting not so patiently on a rotary dial telephone. But oh, well. I got Mine!!!!

The trip thru New Jersey is oft one to remember. And the fact the State has only ten miles of original scenery and places it on continuous loop for the duration of your trip, makes it easy to do so. Fortunately, NJ enjoys spicing up your journey with interesting rules of the road that defy common sense such as no left hand turns. But my favorite is the ever popular, “let’s replace the exit sign with a micro miniature of the Parkway entrance and hide it in a small evergreen forest”.

Once at the hotel, though, all worries wash away, until one finds Red Roof check-in isn’t until 2:00pm. But being my second V-thon, I simply decide to enter the metropolis of Red Bank early. With my prior experience, I manage to negotiate the relatively simple directions which I memorized last trip with great success. And like last time, I once again find myself visiting the Atlantic Ocean. How sweet.

Swaggering victoriously into the Stash, I’m greeted by dozens of happy fans; unfortunately, they’re all waiting on the line to pick up tickets. I spot MING yapping away with fans as he tries to remember their names and if he owes them money. Enjoying the scenery from the stagnant line I realize the volume of J&SB merchandise that floods the room. What’s this, the new Bluntman and Cronic? Do I really need this? I ask myself. The answer is of course “no” so I only buy one copy. I’ve always been a sucker for impulse merchandise.

I’ve reached Vincent at the ticket table and to celebrate I humiliate myself by attempting to pay for the tickets again. It’s a good chuckle for all within ear shot as the little voice in my head continually tells me, “Run! Run far and fast!”

Ahhhhh, the button table; sure glad I forgot to register for the buttons Online. Clutching onto my two generic buttons, I carefully slide past the uncanny likeness of Silent Bob in the Bluntmobile. Excellent likeness, but the eyes are straight from Clockwork Orange.

With a cigarette dangling from my mouth, I attempt to look cool in front of the Stash as the icy breeze forces my testicles into my throat. Then I spy with my little eye the face of an angel, CHEDDERFISH: my little angel because she has an extra ticket for day two.

Beth emerges from the Stash moments later; apparently, the line now has zero people, just my luck. The deal goes down and I’m one ticket richer and sixty bucks lighter.

Some time passes and while CHEDDERFISH firms up Harley’s tuition money at the Stash, I spot yet another angel walking towards me, GRAMPS. He staggers up the sidewalk and then disappears into a storefront as if grabbed by two hoodlums and rolled for a social security check. GRAMPS is my angel because he’s buying my extra ticket for day one. Chatting for a while, MING rolls past and invites Gramps back to the ticket table. Thus, Beth and I hit the road to scout out the Marina Diner for a quick bite and touch of nostalgia.

Beth is navigating so we make it their with absolutely no problems. The food and service are decent and I chow down a burger and fries while yapping away with a few other ‘Askew fans in the booths next to us. It turns out, Karla is the fan, while Scott just tagged along all the way from Michigan: both good people.

The meal is finished and we decide to follow Scott and Karla over to the Quick Stop. Outside the diner, some of the Askew tour people have just arrived and Scott entertains the tour goers with tales of his Pickle selling days at a medieval Renaissance fair. Funny stories, but the weather becomes sour as he begins to tell of an incident with a large breasted woman. [note to Scott: Next time, start with the large breasted woman!]

Got slightly lost in route to the Quick Stop, but a “Joysey Girl” with a friendly smile and kind heart drove us the rest of the way. Everyone bought something small, while Scott and I donated to the New Jersey Education System by way of a losing lottery ticket.

At RST video, a patron actually tried to return videos only to find the store closed early, a rather Clerk-esque moment. Decided to follow Scott and Karla who proceeded to get lost and take us two exits north on the Parkway. Snow, Rain and old wiper blades made the mundane trip an adventure.

After dropping off Beth at the Red Bank Train Station, I returned to the Red Roof at 6:00pm, grabbed a room and popped on The Simpsons to make sure the TV reception was tolerable. Then, to dodge the rain I drove the 0.01 miles to Morgan’s at 8:00 to find some ‘thon goers starting early. “Harley’s” Room ( a banquet room) unveiled many of the familiar faces of last V-Thon and from then on the party picked up where we left if the previous year.

Lenny (aka MARKSMAN88) MCed the event, which started slow, but quickly escalated: Everything from film-college movies to home-crafted videos. DJ ANDY‘s stuff had everyone laughing and the wise cracks never ended when SMALL’s movie was playing, but the humor was all good-hearted. I spent my time jumping between Harley’s room and the bar.

Spotted MING and Vincent down at Morgan’s. Ming is always cool. Also spotted Bill and Nate (owners of room 509 both last year and this year). Nate was looking mighty tired, so Bill and JENIFER_ANN7 waited for him to go to bed before inviting everyone into the same room to party until 3:00am. I guess they’re just considerate like that.

If you stay at the Red Roof and ask for a wake up call, you might as well put an “ish” after the time, because I asked for 9:15am and got 9:00am. Trust me, fifteen minutes extra sleep is needed for these ‘Thons!

Cruising to the Parking Garage, I found ample parking on the top level: VILENT BOB turned me onto this place last year; I haven’t been let down by this Garage yet. It’s right behind the Stash and only costs two bucks for the whole day. Sweet deal.

I arrived at the theater ten minutes prior to the start time and found a small line of about fifteen minutes length. It was here I began to wish we’d received heavy jackets instead of baseball caps, but twelve hours of film, fun and a ball cap are still a sweet deal for sixty bucks. Just like the previous V-Thon, Kevin Smith stood at the door shaking the hand of each attendee and posing for countless photos without bitch-one! Got to love that guy, he’s the real deal.

The seating is general admission, but no matter where you sit, the people next to you are always great. Kevin swaggered on stage to massive crowd applause and promises of first-born children to start off the show with the names of all who helped organize the official and unofficial goings on [a healthy applause to them folks].

The film Line-up for Theater One was Vulgar, J&SBSB, J&SBSB-deleted scenes, dinner break, Now You Know by Jeff Anderson, and Big Helium Dog. Everyone has critiqued the hell out of these films, especially Vulgar, but despite my first reaction, I wouldn’t mind seeing the film again (Very nice job Bryan Johnson).

At the lunch break, I grabbed a chicken, spinach wrap from Broad Street and drove back to the Holiday Inn to try and organize another Harley’s Room showing for the Day Two er’s. Neil and John were there and offered to run the Harley room if I wanted to return to the ‘Thon. Those guy are very cool, although eerily quiet at times. Neil is the guy who made the A Better Place Trading cards the Men-in-Red were talking about at the theater.

I couldn’t locate the ABP video and thought I’d have to resort to pantomime and break-dancing, but the small group ended up B.S.ing while I ate my diner. Between the Christmas Jacket and not shaving, I looked like a homeless man begging for scraps. Fortunately, Glady and her new husband (ironically, I can’t remember his name, but had to keep asking for hers at the ‘Thon!) showed up with a DVD and movies. Congratulations on the wedding.

Things looked to be in good hands at the hotel, so I decided to cruise back to the theater to catch what I could of BHD. After catching a ride to the Hotel from Red Bank in the back of a pickup truck, three guys from California jumped into my car for the trip back to Red Bank. Fifteen minutes and one U-turn later, I dropped them off at the Bowling alley. By the time I arrived at the theater, BHD was blazing across the screen and roars of laughter were filling the lobby. I didn’t want to crowd my way thru the theater, so I caught a cigarette instead; rain, freezing cold, great time to be a smoker!

I chatted with two girls from Canada at the theater and found their friend had the hotel key and they were somewhat stranded, so having nothing to do myself, the three of us piled into my car and beat the crowd to the bowling alley. I spotted Jeff Anderson in the bar, yapping away with fans. The bar closed down at 10:30 so we moved to the alley itself and watched the ‘Thon goers shuffle in. Before long, the band (Merrick) was kicking out tunes as hundreds of people partied away the night. They only stayed for one set, but everyone I spoke with seemed to enjoy them. The crowd thinned quite a bit by 1:15am, so a group of us ended up cruising back to the Hotel. After the crowd at the bowling alley, I didn’t feel like dealing with the crowd in 509, so I chilled (token cool word) with Bill and some others outside the room for a bit. We tried to keep the noise down, and even tried to work with the front desk, but the front desk set me up for failure and called the police without telling me. Bill said the cops were really cool, but by then I was just hanging in the lobby with the others.

Somehow the topic of getting kicked in the balls popped up causing many nervous smiles from the guys. I began to wish the Cops would return, and quickly! But all was in good fun and I ended up back in 509 where I hung out with Jen, Chris and other “thon goers both experienced and virgin to the Party-Askew ways. At about 6:00am, everyone was getting tired in the room so I took off to the Red Roof. The distance is only a three-minute walk, or one minute run in the rain!

Day Two

Awaking to a phone call from a cutie, I pondered getting up and making the ‘Thon on time. The “Z” monster won out and I sleep ‘till 2:00pm. I rolled into Red Bank at 3:00pm and grabbed a bite to eat. Then started walking the short distance to the theater to try and catch up with a few people I’d missed at the bowling alley.

I spotted Joanne (a friend from the Sunday night Harley Room) with Bryan Johnson. I’d never had the chance to speak with Bryan at the last ‘Thon. We ended up grabbing a quick drink a few doors down from the Stash: Joanne, Bryan and a balding homeless man (stupid jacket). Bryan turned out to be very personable and extremely cool. Bryan was heading to the office but the Stash told him he received a call, so he returned with us to the theater.

The outtakes were about to end so I chatted with Gramps between smoke breaks. Gramps breaks me up, he’s definitely good people. I was looking forward to seeing Jeff Anderson’s movie after the break, so when Joanne talked me into going with her to get some food, I was a little leery. Neil and John joined in and together we all managed to miss the first half of Jeff’s film. Fantastic…

After a while, I was treated to a drink with Bryan, Malcolm and a couple of other fans. Or imposed, I haven’t yet decided which. Malcolm is a funny and interesting guy, hopefully I’ll get the chance to chat with him next ‘Thon. At the theater, they announced they are working on the script for CHUD3.

As Angry Naked Pat play on the screen, cold, transient Pat was goose-necking to watch: Very funny stuff Brian.

Back at the hotel, I found absolutely no signs of a party to be had. So I hung out in the lobby once again. Talk about hitting White Castles was up in the air, but everyone seemed very tired from the two-day event and minimal sleep. So I said my farewells and drifted back to the Red Roof.

Vulgarthon III was great, the Askew folks and fans even better. I spent a few hours hanging around Red Bank with a couple of others and then dropped off Joanne at the Train Station. She was kind enough to lock my keys in the car. Ahhh, memories.

Thank You to everyone I met and the Askew folks for indulging me in conversation. You have truly provided wonderful memories to a lowly DelaWhere-ian.