The idea was simple: we create a contest in which we get chicks to send in naked pictures of themselves so we could masturbate to pics of their no-no spots. When it was pointed out that this might be viewed as even more sad and desperate than “Jersey Girl”, we altered the idea slightly: get chicks to send in pictures of themselves with just their pants off so we could masturbate to pics of them in the almost-altogether. We were gonna call the contest “Show Us Your Panties.” Then, PC thuggery (aka, my wife) forced us to change it to “Show Us Your Shorts.”Somehow, in all the confusion, it became a stupid-ass short film contest.

*sigh*

So here it is: Movies Askew. This is your chance to share your art with us, and impress not just the View Askew pantheon of has-beens and never-was’, but also the porn-searchin’, meat-slappin’, message board-trollin’-and-flamin’, no-life-leadin’ denizens of the internet.

Got a short? Got twenty five bucks? Then you’re welcome here. Take a chance and maybe find yourself with an actual career one day (if it can happen to some fat kid from Jersey, it can happen to you). Someone’s gotta win, and it could be you, right? Take home the Grand Prize: a home entertainment system from our good friends at Panasonic and some Miramax DVD’s to watch on it.

What’s that, ya’ say? That’s not good enough?

Fine – we’ll throw in a sweet-ass Panasonic DVX100 – the same kinda camera we used to shoot “The Snowball Effect” documentary, as seen on the “Clerks X” dvd (plug, plug).

All of that’s still not good enough? Christ, you’re pushy.

Fiiiiiiiine – we’ll bring you on as an apprentice on the next movie we shoot. There – ya’ fuckin’ happy now, you vampires! We’ll give you a complete overview of the real film biz during whatever View Askew Production happens after this contest ends. And if you think that sounds like a sweet deal, just you wait: it ain’t gonna seem like such a prize when you’re waiting hand and foot on Jason “This Coffee’s Fucking Cold, You Asshole!” Mewes.

So what in fuck’s sake are you waiting for? Download your application, write a damn check, and get your ass to the Post Office, son! You gotta be in it to win it (though sitting on the board and mocking those who do enter doesn’t require you to be in anything, except a severe state of self-loathing).