Straight outta Jersey and coming to a theater near you,Silent Bob and Jay are out to save the world – and get a littlethree-way interracial girlie action while they’re at it.

For the past five years, a pair of small-time weed dealersnamed Silent Bob and Jay have been making their fellowNew Jerseyites awfully proud. We Garden Staters havelaughed with them and cried with them as they’ve smokedand joked and shamelessly propositioned women inconvenience-store parking lots, indoor shopping malls,and the red leather booths of 24-hour diners. Afterlighting up a trio of films by writer/director Kevin Smith(Clerks [Miramax, 1994], Mallrats [Gramercy, 1995],and Chasing Amy [Miramax, 1997]), the delightful duofind themselves charged with saving mankind from theforces of evil in this month’s controversial religious epicDogma (Lions Gate).

Fresh from Sunday church services with costars Matt Damon, Ben Affleck, and Chris Rock, thestoner celebs sat down for this rare interview. Silent Bob (who bears an uncanny resemblance to Smith) was as silent as ever. But the eloquent Jay talked a true-blue streak about life’s essentials – gangsta beats and three-way sexcapades.

Back when Clerks came out, you guys were banging your heads to death metal. In Dogma, though, you’re hip to the hoppa and you just don’t stoppa. Have blood-curdling guitar solos been replaced by block-rocking breakbeats in the soundtrack to your lives?

Nah. Shit’s all good. We still respect metal. Like King Diamond and Blackie Lawless. Those guys are hardcore. But we’re more down with the flava. I listen to a lot of Puffy, but Silent Bob’s into the old-school shit. He knows all the words to Run-D.M.C.’s “Peter Piper” and he still has a Stetsasonic poster hanging on the wall at our crib.

Wow. That is down. Have you ever used your rap acumen to seduce a Nubian princess?

What’s a Nubian?

The term “Nubian” refers specifically to the descendants of the ancient kingdom of Nubia, which was located in what are now southern Egypt and northern Sudan. But it’s frequently used to describe any person of African descent.

Oh, hells yeah! I like my chocolate brown. Biggie here likes his chocolate with nuts. Nootch! [Silent Bob elbows Jay.] The guy’s got, like, no sense of humor.

Foxy Brown or Lil’ Kim?

Lil’ Kim, man! You see what she was wearing on the MTV Video Music Awards? Her titty was hanging out, and only the nipple was covered. I was at home praying that shit would fall off!

You win a dream date with tough-but-tantalizing rhyme siren Eve. What gift do you bring to her doorstep?

Lil’ Kim. So we could get a little of that three-way action going. A rap sandwichSwith white meat inside. You know what I’m saying? Boo-ya!!

What would you cue up on the stereo for such a session?

I’d be down for some 2 Live Crew ‘n’ shit. [Sings lyric from “C’mon Babe”] “Then lick my ass up and down / Lick it till your tongue turns doo-doo brown!” Tubby here’d probably pop in some fucking Barbra Streisand bullshit, and the hoes would book. I control the beats in our house.

You guys must have spent a lot of time in Dogma’s on-set massage trailer. When your hunky Hollywood costars Matt Damon and Ben Affleck go Good Will Humping, who’s packin’ the bigger rifle?

Matty’s hung like a porn star. He’s got a hog that won’t quit. It looks like he’s riding one of those deli salami rolls. Asslick (that’s what I call Affleck) he’s all nut sack. Seriously, it’s no meat and all potatoes with that guy. But what the hell, right? I mean, it don’t stop him from getting laid. Ever. The dude’s a pimp.

You two appeared in the critically acclaimed film Chasing Amy, a serious examination of the problems our society has with nontraditional sexual orientations. Why do you guys dig lesbians so much?

Because you can watch, like, 50 lesbians going at it and you never have to worry about seeing some dude’s boner popping up and looking back at you. I don’t wanna see that, not even my own. I keep my eyes closed when I’m in the shower, ‘cuz I don’t wanna see no dick at all.

I’m a little surprised to hear that, Jay. Toward the end of Dogma, an omniscient apostle[played by Chris Rock] reveals that the majority of your sexual fantasies actually involve men. Is your perpetually woman-hungry persona merely a facade?

That was just wrong. Fuck guys, man. I hate guys! I love women! I hate every man alive.[Silent Bob raises his finger and glares at Jay.] Oh, right. Except [Ice] Cube. ‘Cuz Cube knows the real deal. [Sings] “Life ain’t nothin’ but bitches and money!” That shit is deep. But me like guys? Never happen. [Pause] Unless it was that guy in The Crying Game [Miramax, 1992].

You mean Jaye Davidson, who played that gorgeous transvestite and had everybody fooled for the first half of the movie?

[Shaking his head] No, Forest Whitaker. My man is sweet!