Everyone’s suffering/recovering from headcolds in Casa de Schwalbach (what, you think I’m in charge here? Guess again). The wife’s downstairs suffering through ‘Magnolia’ (not like that; I mean she’s suffering because of her cold… yeah), the baby’s finally asleep, and I’m longing for Jersey like a motherfucker (hell – I’d even be content to shovel the heaps of snow at this point; it’d have to beat The ‘Angels’ at this point).

But a reprieve is on the way. I’m flying home for a day this week to do a scene on (get ready for this)…

‘Law and Order’.

I’m a big fan of the show, and now I get to be part of it. It’s a small part (only a couple of lines) which is cool, as I’m not really an actor (then again, there are supposedly no small parts; though it’d be tough to outshine D.A. Adam Schiff – the fucking Man with a capitol ‘M’). Should be a blast, and affords me the opportunity to include myself in a legacy of sorts.

That’s right – some day in the future, you can watch me seventeen times a day on ‘A&E’.

Speaking of ‘A&E’, I’m going to do an interview for the George Carlin ‘Biography’ they’re putting together. How sweet is that? Life-long fanboy gets a chance to wax fanatically about the brilliance of one of his mentors of sorts – on a show he would’ve been content just to watch, had he not had said mentor in one of his silly pictures! Fuck, do I love God.

The next two t.v. gigs following that is a half hour with another genius comedian/social commentator: Dennis Miller. I tape the show at the head of March. It’s a bit poetic, as it was Miller’s bit about self-cocksucking and the Craftmatic Adjustable Bed on his ‘Off-White Album’ that inspired the Randal’s Cousin Walter story in ‘Clerks’. Sometimes, life brings you full circle quite nicely.

In other news, we’re done cutting show three, which turned out phenomenally (aside from some animation ticks that our beloved ‘cartoon-guy’ Chris Bailey is ironing out with the Koreans). We got to show episode two to the network last week, and they seemed to really dig it. Now it’s just about securing a timeslot (C’mon, Stu and LLoyd – give a brother a locked date!).

If you get a chance, check out this month’s Esquire. There’s a piece called ‘The Next Scorcese’ in which a handful of film critics pick the filmmakers they believe will endure. Andrew Sarris was good enough to pick yours truly (Elvis Mitchell picked the Waschowski Bros., Todd McCarthy – the Variety numb-nuts who gave ‘Dogma’ the least-thought-out, most clueless review we got on the flick – fittingly chose Paul Thomas Anderson, Kenny Turan chose David O. Russel, someone chose Alexander Payne, and Scorcese – yes, Scorcese – chose Wes Anderson), and the brother wrote some kind, really observant passages about yours truly (to be fair, he also included some cautionary, critical nuggets as well). It’s an honor to be picked, and an honor to keep company with the other guys (yes – ALL of them). Worth a look-see if you trip across it in a doctor’s office somewhere (and if you see the new EW, I’ve got some Sundance quotes in there too).

And maybe it’s coming off the head-cold, but let me ask you guys something – being that you ARE the people I work for, after all.

Do you think it’s a worthwhile endeavor to pursue doing a ‘Mallrats’ sequel at Dimension?

Before you leap, here’s the rationale:

1)’Mallrats’ – while not brilliant – never got it day in the theatres, thanks to the worst marketing efforts money could buy afforded by Gramercy (Steve excluded)

2) There is a huge fan-base for the film now, thanks to home video

3) I’m getting close to shutting down the View Askewniverse permanently, in favor or making more diverse, less Jay-and-Bob type flicks, so this would be one of the last of the bunch

4) And while it may not be any great leap forward artistically, it might be a lot of fun (the true reason to do anything).

I welcome all opinions (though if they’re negative, keep them tasteful and not too insulting). It’s not even a plan right now; just an inkling. Here’s your chance to spark it or squash it.

Thoughts?

Bob Weinstein called the office when ‘Scream 3′ first went into production. He said “I’ve got a funny idea for a cameo for you and Jay in ‘Scream 3′. Will you do this for me?” Of course, I said sure. He said that the part of the flick we’d pop up in would be set on a movie lot, and to start thinking about some lines. I faxed him a few options, and he chose the lines that you hear in the flick.

Bob came to the conclusion that we’d be a cute moment in ‘Scream 3′ after sitting through countless test screenings on ‘Dogma’ and hearing the audience react everytime Jay and Bob first appear onscreen. It was a really good idea on his part, and Mewes and I had a great time doing it (Mewes more than me, though – as he loved getting the free shirt and three hundred bucks per diem they gave us for the day; while we were waiting in our trailers to do the scene, he said “We should do this all the time. We can pop up in every horror movie, and get three hundred bucks a day and a shirt!” I pointed out to him that he’d make considerably more than three hundred dollars by headlining a flick of his own, and he seemed to take this into consideration).

But the idea that there’s this huge corporate syngergism behind our cameo is beyond laughable. Let me shed some light on the synergism betwixt Miramax, Disney, Touchstone, and ABC for you.

It doesn’t exist. Trust me.

Regardless, I’m glad ya’ll liked our appearance in the flick. I must admit that when I saw the flick at the west coast premiere the other night, I derived no small amount of satisfaction from hearing a celeb-packed audience applaud our cameo. I honestly expected the jaded fucks to groan or boo.

Maybe there is some heart in Hollywood afterall.