The following article contains strong language.

Saturday at Wizard World Los Angeles writer/director Kevin Smith held one of his now regular panels chatting with and updating fans on what he’s working on. The panel didn’t start on time as Smith was 15 minutes late getting to it, but upon the first sign of his arrival the eager crowd rose to its feet, cheering and clapping. As Smith took the podium, he addressed the crowd and with regards to how to handle the Q&A session that was to follow, Smith simply said, “Let’s go fucking nuts.” And that’s where things began.

First up was a question about Smith’s upcoming (for us US viewers) three episode stint on “Degrassi: the New Generation,” the hit Canadian television show. It will air probably on August 7th, 14th, and 21st on cable network Noggin here in the States. It was a chance to fulfill a dream to be on the show and make out with the Kaitlan Ryan character.

Smith’s current hair style caught the eyes of a fan earlier in the day, who advised him the mullet was out. Smith’s reply? “The mullet’s out. But it’s coming back. Maybe only in Jersey.” Then the real reason, the shooting of “Clerks 2” beginning in May, was given. That brought up a discussion on the use of hair extensions which further explained the length of Smith’s hair. As he said, he was “rocking the mullet for a reason.”

He was asked about the “and cue the music” gag from “Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back.” It evolved from a private in-joke between Jason Mewes and Scott Mosier and has gone on from there. Smith took the time to mention how amazed he is “Jay And Silent Bob” works as well as it does. This sent him into a ramble about his writing process, where he pondered the difficulties of translating his ideas to the rest of the world, and how he settles on his friends and himself as being the best judges for his material. It appears to work well as a method, as the enthusiasm of the crowd attested many times during the next two hours.

The comic book which got Smith hooked was an issue of “Hot Stuff” he saw when he was five years old. The very idea of the devil wearing a diaper was fascinating to him. So he fell in love with comics then. Only to fall out of love during his high school (typical reason: comics geeks don’t get girls; Smith didn’t get them anyway, so what was the point?), coming back to comics with Frank Miller’s “The Dark Knight Returns.”

While this was going on, a very interesting, oddly sexual shadow play was happening on the one of the projection screens. It was right in front of me, but I missed most of it. Why? Because I was doing my job, taking notes. By the time I looked up, the shadows had melted away. More on that in a bit.

Kevin then talked about how cool the “Sin City” trailer looks. Which got him going about the fans who hate most things, like comic book based films, or even the trailers. He admitted he liked both “The Phantom Menace” and “Attack of the Clones.” He even found Jar-Jar Binks funny, in a broad racial stereotype kind of way.

And the shadow sex play begins again, first oral, and then standing. Smith was actually waiting for the flying spunk shot himself. It was at this time he brought out one of the culprits, Jason Mewes, aka Jay. Smith went back to talking about “Star Wars,” saying he was looking forward to the recently announced 3-D version of episode three. He wondered why some fans had gotten so upset about changes to “Star Wars”; it wasn’t like these people actually owned the franchise, according to his view.

When asked about advice for new writers from a young lady, Jason Mewes jumped in with a quick “Pull your top off.” Kevin tried to make up for this by saying a new writer should try to hold onto his or her integrity, but, maybe, try to balance that with flashing one’s breasts. He thought about it some more, and decided to stick with his first answer, telling the young lady to keep on writing what she wanted to write. He mentioned “Green Hornet” at this point, saying how many people kept telling Smith to write something akin to the “Spider-Man” movies. It frustrated him until he spoke with Quentin Tarantino who told Smith to just write the movie he wanted. By writing what one wants or is interested in, one won’t feel like a whore.

Kevin said the “Clerks” sequel was entitled “Clerks 2: The Passion of The Clerks,” which brought a roar of laughter from the crowd. It’s live action, and will be black & white, and color. As opposed to the planned “Clerks” animated film, which is expected to go straight to DVD. He wondered about why Miramax wanted to put out a movie based on a failed TV series. Then he thought about Joss Whedon’s “Serenity” and quietly continued the discussion.

A rather confusing question about breaking into the movie business brought the Q&A almost to a halt. (It seems the person asking the question wasn’t making his point clear to Kevin Smith. It took a few people and a few minutes to get it right.) The first question was would Kevin Smith and Jason Mewes ever play characters other than Jay and Silent Bob in films. The answer was yes. For example, they would play Ray and Silent Bill in the upcoming “Fletch I.” That got a big laugh. Then Smith pointed out that Mewes would be in his planned “Ranger Danger,” as well as a film that so far stars Paris Hilton and Paul Walker. The follow-up question about becoming a producer only got profane responses (Jason Mewes: “Pull your top off.”) and some lude oral sex play with the microphone by Mewes as well. The laughs continued and the discussion moved into lessons on proper oral sex techniques.

Getting back to reality, a question about storyboarding was asked and Smith admitted to only storyboarding action sequences, as he felt doing so for dialogue sequences would create the world’s most boring comics, as if he didn’t do that already (a paraphrasing of his words). To him, storyboards don’t improve camera techniques. That good movies come from directors with vision, which he ain’t (his words again).

He likes the casting on “Superman,” figuring an unknown works best as Superman. He thinks Bryan Singer will do a good job.

Smith and Mewes saw a screening of “Sin City” on Friday. To quote Smith, “it was pimp.” The film looks like the comics brought to life. It’s violent as “shit,” said Smith while Mewes stopped him from spoiling the whole thing for the audience. Smith added “X-Men 2” was his favorite recent comic book movie.

A question came up about “Daredevil: Target.” Smith’s response? “It’s coming.” He has turned in two more “Spiderman/Black Cat” scripts to Marvel, but it looks like he will have to add one more book.

Smith mentioned he never beat the tic-tac-toe playing chicken featured in a bit he did for the Tonight Show. When he’s asked if he ever tied the chicken, he surprised to hear the term cat’s game; he had never heard of it until that very moment. He wondered about the derivation of the term, but wasn’t satisfied by the answers given to him by the audience. (At this writing, this reporter wasn’t able to locate the derivation either. Readers are encouraged to send the info to Kevin Smith’s website, if they so choose.)

Smith then found himself in a dialogue with an Arkansas comics shop owner about the possibility of his visiting the shop located in North Little Rock. Smith said he would never go there again, having been once when he was dating Joey Adams of “Chasing Amy” fame. He also chided the shop owner for mixing comics with gaming, saying the two were bad together. Which got some of the gamers in the crowd grumbling, but not so much as to make an impact.

Smith then said he sometimes wishes he wasn’t known as Silent Bob, especially when he’s at the mall. According to his war stories, it appears fans encountered in the mall don’t want a Kevin Smith autograph; they want a Silent Bob autograph. One went so far as to throw away an autograph in order to get what he wanted. But on the whole, Smith likes being Silent Bob. He would only like to play Jay in real life, not the movies. Because of all the dialogue Jay has to say.

A member of the audience was invited onto the stage to show Smith the Jay and Silent Bob tattoo he had. It even had Smith and Mewes’ signatures along with the image of their characters. The audience member said Smith was his Elvis, a pop hero worth worshipping. Smith said he plans on getting a Jay and Silent Bob tattoo of his own. Maybe on both sides of his penis (a more profane word was used here, which got big laughs from the crowd), and then again maybe not; his wife might not like that. Smith joked his wife does have his initials tattooed on the “crack of her ass.”

One guy just wanted to shake Smith’s hand. The closest he got was being in front of the podium. Because Smith was afraid of getting the stink palm.

Smith’s favorite comic book hero is Batman, for the classic reason, namely that anyone could be Batman with the resources he has, and that’s all. Smith likes Batman because he is a regular guy at his core. Then of course, if Smith were Batman, he might not fight crime because of those very riches, preferring to hang out with his money and bitches. He said that’s probably why DC won’t let him write Batman.

He then talked about his plans to retire Jay and Silent Bob, saying that one reason for that original decision was Jason’s drug abuse problems (he’s nearing two years of sobriety). Another reason was that “Jersey Girl” didn’t quite work. So now it’s time to bring back Jay and Silent Bob.

In a sense, according to Smith, “Ranger Danger” is “Jay And Silent Bob In Space,” a film he would like to make anyway.

Smith claimed he doesn’t have any scary fan stories, mostly because he is so accessible to his fans. So he doesn’t have any scary fans. Then he thinks of the tattoo man and wonders aloud, to much laughter. Smith figures it’s hard to stalk a man who is as readily available as he is.

The inevitable “Jersey Girl” question arose. Smith says he’s dealt with what the failure of the movie means. To him, “Mallrats” was a bigger flop, it was butchered by the critics. So when the panning began for “Jersey Girl,” he wasn’t surprised. Although Smith did think Ben Affleck should be forced to star in “Gigli 2,” as punishment for hurting “Jersey Girl.” Smith likes “Jersey Girl,” as it is a story about fathers and fatherhood, written when he first became a father and also was a reflection upon his own father. He figures “Jersey Girl” will do well over time, because of DVD sales.

Smith was asked a Michael Jackson question. Right after “Clerks” came out, the man who would go on to produce “Sideways,” asked Smith to write a film for him. The movie was called “Hot Rod,” a star vehicle (pardon the puns) for Michael Jackson, where the story was about a man who turns into a car and the young boy hangs around and rides in the car. Smith was glad he passed on that idea.

Kevin was asked about his stint co-hosting the Sarah No Name radio show, saying that he had fun and is interested in doing some more radio in the future. Maybe after Howard Stern switches over to satellite radio. Smith said he’s a Stern fan.

When asked about possibly working with Ben Affleck on “Daredevil 2,” Smith was flattered by Affleck’s comments but doesn’t want to work on “Daredevil.” For the same reason he had a hard time working on “Green Hornet.” He’s finished that script, has pulled himself out of the running for directing it, and said the script was being looked at by John Woo right now.

Smith went on to say that superhero movies have to appeal to the mainstream, which isn’t his forte. He likes writing the comics themselves, because the readers are more accepting of his dialogue heavy writing style, and because he and the readers share a common language and references.

The audience learned “Clerks 2” is more a spiritual sequel than a literal one. And it isn’t a cameo heavy affair. The other films are mentioned, but not so much no one couldn’t enjoy this new picture.

When asked what super power he would like to have, Smith wishes he had the ability to wade through “bullshit questions.” Then he amended his answer to say he always wanted to be like the Human Torch. “I guess that would be kinda hot…that’s a bad joke.” Then he wondered about why there wasn’t a mutant who could make any woman have sex with him. Then a few profane names were tossed about before dialogue continued.

He talked about the “Mallrats” 10th anniversary DVD. It will be a two-disc set, where he has put together an extended version of the film which he edited. Plus storyboards by Scott Mosier and some audition tapes. Smith wanted to use other films’ auditions tapes, like Cindy Crawford’s for the “Flintstones” movies, but couldn’t figure out a way to justify doing that. The “Mallrats” DVD will hit the shelves in the fall.

Also coming soon is “An Evening With Kevin Smith 2,” which was filmed in Toronto and London. Plans are to use the best two hours out of each show and put together a two disc DVD set.

At this point the Q&A was supposed to end, but because he arrived late, Smith stayed late.

Smith still plans to do a “Mallrats” sequel as a comic book, but did mention he does have a movie sequel approved at Universal.

The next to last question brought Smith back to talk about “Degrassi.” He always loved the show. The chance to be on the show was very tempting, but he couldn’t direct the show because he isn’t Canadian. He did write a three-episode story arc featuring himself as if he were single and childless. The basic idea has Smith filming “Jay and Silent Bob Go Canadian, Eh?” at the high school. Which provides a rationale for his presence there and involved with the kids’ storylines, in a kind of creepy way. Jay will spend most of his time chasing after the teen girls.

Finally Smith closes with saying he will stay with Harvey and Bob Weinstein after Miramax splits from Disney.

With that the crowd again cheered again and it was over. And to close us out, here’s a random list of Smith and Mewes quotes from the panel.

* “Father Ass-fucker.”

* “Fuck this. Tell me who got fucked in the movies.”

* “It would be weird, to listen to some jackass talk about his shit.”

* “Hitler’s School of Nazis.”

* “Spanish-Fly Man.”

* “Ass-tonishing X-Men.”

* “It’s not big, but will get hard.”

* “As the guy who shouts stupid shit out?”

* “Pull off your top.”

* “Man-cunt.”

WHILLENHOLLY

“I don’t get out to the movies that much, but “Bluntman and Chronic” was blunt-tastic”

The Craig-Ashley-Manny love triangle is what drew Kevin Smith — the 34-year-old writer and director of ”Clerks” and ”Chasing Amy” and a longtime fan of the show’s earlier incarnations — to the current ”Degrassi.” Now Smith is guest-starring as himself and as his cult alter ego, Silent Bob — half the stoner-comic duo of Smith’s hit movie ”Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” — in a three-episode arc. Sitting at a picnic table outside the studio, waiting to shoot his own prom scenes, Smith marveled at the creative freedom Linda Schuyler enjoys. ”How awesome would it be to have your own universe, where you’re telling ongoing stories, and everything is within the confines of this piece of property?” he remarked, smiling almost sweetly. Smith, who himself manages a highly entrepreneurial universe (acting, writing comic books and scripts, running four popular Web sites, selling action figures of himself), explained the long-running appeal of ”Degrassi” in indie-music terms. ”The garage-band ideal is where I present something to you and say, ‘You’ve got to check this out,’ ” he said. ” ‘Degrassi’ still has that. You can still tell more people than not about the show, and they’re like, ‘I’ve never heard about it.’ Fans aren’t threatened by its popularity.”

…

”We needed someone to come in and shake things up,” Mistysyn said, as she waited to be called to the set where she’d be shooting scenes with Kevin Smith. Smith says he fell in love with Caitlin 15 years ago, when he was just a real-life convenience-store clerk. The three-episode arc — in which Smith directs a ”Jay and Silent Bob” movie, using ”Degrassi” as a production set — won’t be shown in the United States until this summer, but it has already brought an abundance of grown-up press to the show in Canada. For his part, Smith is happily plugging ”Degrassi” in sold-out speaking engagements and on his wildly popular View Askew Web site.

SILENT BOB SPEAKS – THE COLLECTED WRITING OF KEVIN SMITH

From the award-winning screenwriter and director — a collection of irreverent and hilarious rants on the absurdity of just about everything.

In 1994, Kevin Smith debuted his low-budget film Clerks at the Sundance Film Festival. It became an instant cult classic and made Smith the top dog of the indie film world. Next he was an executive producer of the smash hit Good WillHunting and quickly earned the title “King of Gen X Cinema” from Time magazine. He appeared on Charlie Rose, Politically Incorrect, Late Night with Conan O’Brien, and currently holds a regular spot on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno hosting a segment entitled “Roadside Attractions.” Fans of his films will instantly recognize Smith as Silent Bob — the character with no lines. And last year Smith began writing a hilarious monthly column covering popular culture for Arena magazine.

In this side-splitting rant-fest, Kevin Smith waxes rhapsodic and obnoxious on everything from his platonic infatuation with Ben Affleck to his bloodcurdling hatred of Britney Spears, from his shocking diagnosis with morbid obesity to the fatal flaws of SpiderMan — all done in his inimitable, raunchy style.

Silent Bob Speaks interweaves the best of the Arena columns with a new introduction by the author to produce Smith’s first collection of bawdy, over-the-top essays, guaranteed to make his legions of fans choke on their Cheerios.

SIGNED BY KEVIN SMITH

THIS IS A PRE-ORDER ITEM THAT SHIPS ON APRIL 13, 2005

Order here!

http://store.yahoo.com/jsbstash/sibobspcowro.html

Slackers’ Hollywood

Director of the film “Clerks” and hero to a generation of underachieving slackers, Kevin Smith has pulled together a selection of his writing, including his columns for Arena magazine, to be published as Silent Bob Speaks by Titan (23rd May, p/b, £9.99, 1845760808). In true slacker fashion, Smith admits that it took two years to finish the book even though “all of the contents were pretty much already in existence”.

Silent Bob is Smith’s alter ego, a taciturn stoner often seen with a baseball bat who, with his drug-dealing sidekick Jay, features in each one of Smith’s movies, which include “Mallrats” and “Chasing Amy”. In real life Smith is more vocal and charismatic than his fictional doppelganger: his unscripted one-man stand-up show can last for more than three hours. The book is an attempt to capture some of that energy in print.

Smith says: “You come off much better in print than you do in real life; at least I do. But you lose the give and take, because the person reading the book is having shit thrown at them, as opposed to being in an audience when you throw shit that way and shit comes back your way. There’s no give or take to a book, it’s either give or take, depending on which side of the book you’re sitting.”

The book was the idea of Hollywood mogul and Miramax founder Harvey Weinstein, who wanted Smith to be the publisher’s Michael Moore. But though he and Moore have followed a similar trajectory–from independent film-maker to Hollywood player–Smith does not have pretensions to follow Moore into the political landscape. He says: “My book will never do what Michael Moore’s books do. His books are really political, and about big ideas, but always presented in an entertaining way. Mine are just about stupid stuff; they don’t have the big ideas at all, just the entertaining bit.”

Devoted fan base

What Smith does is write amusingly about his life as a slacker turned Hollywood insider. This includes his trouble with morbid obesity (he uses the fat-blocker drug called Xenical, and asks readers to tell him if they see him “tearing into food that no one over 200 pounds should be enjoying”); his thoughts on Britney (”She’s a fad with legs” not even “on the level of a karaoke caroller”); and about other films [for example, “Stars Wars II: Attack of the Clones”, “All I had to see was Yoda toss aside his cane and reach for his lightsabre, and it was like busting a nut in the family dog all over again.”]

Like Moore, Smith has an incredibly devoted fan base, which is sure to drive sales of the book initially. A recent stand-up show Smith recorded in London sold out within a day, having only been promoted on his busy website viewaskew.com. He says: “The fan base is pretty damn strong. I was told by the theatre that they probably could have sold out another six shows, just based on the number of calls they got.” The devotion augurs well for the book, as Smith argues: “Business wise for booksellers it is a smart move, there is a fan base that will buy it. And Brits read, as opposed to Americans.”

Even more convenient for booksellers is that they will be able to spot potential purchasers. “Basically, if you see someone walking into the shop that looks like the dude on the front cover of the book [himself], you’ve got a sale. The bookseller might have to work a little bit to sell the book to someone who has no idea who the fuck I am. I don’t know how it will go over with people who aren’t familiar with my stuff, but then I tend not to worry too much about that.”

Smith says he some sympathy for booksellers, the “folks who actually work the tills”. “My heart goes out to them, I’ve been there, I’ve been in the trenches, as I worked in convenience stores from the time I was 16 till the time I was 23.” But he thinks booksellers “get off lightly”. “I’ve dealt with all manner of incredibly stupid members of the public. Generally, the people coming in to buy books are well educated, and pretty smart, and so it becomes a war of wits. When you work in a convenience store it is a war with nit-wits. At least booksellers are dealing with people who are well-read.”

My Name is Earl – A Pilot for NBC: “I play Earl,” Lee said. “It’s a very funny one camera show.” Lee was never interested in TV, but this half hour comedy struck him because it’s shot like a film. “It’s a one camera show, it’s shot on film and it’s right up my alley in terms of it being out of left field. It’s not the typical NBC show. It feels in a lot of ways like Raising Arizona. It has that kind of vibe with the narration and the characters. It’s very humorous but in a very odd way. So it’s been fun so far.”

No Passion of the Clerks: Consistent with Kevin Smith’s assertion that it will not be a cameo heavy affair, Jason Lee has not been contacted for a cameo in The Passion of the Clerks. “I haven’t heard from him on it. I haven’t heard from him anything about it. I don’t even know when they’re shooting and who’s in it. I’m assuming Jeff and Brian are in it. He didn’t say anything about any cameo.”

Kevin Smith: WishListâ„¢ Director Search

As a college student, Kevin Smith never gave filmmaking a second thought, instead setting his hopes on one day writing
for Saturday Night Live. On Friday, March 25th, this Indie film favorite hosts a night dedicated entirely to well…him
with Encore’s critically acclaimed, award-winning original series The Directors, followed by Chasing Amy, Clerks
(which, incidentally, he directed while working as a clerk in a video/convenience store) and the exclusive television
premiere of An Evening With Kevin Smith, in which he engages in a Q&A at various college campuses around the country,
spinning humorous Hollywood tales. The next night, STARZ! Saturday Night Premiere presents the television premiere of
Smith’s latest film Jersey Girl.

Important Event Information
Line-up whenever you want, from Sunday night after the Dome closes to early the morning of the event.

Doors are gonna between 8:30 and 9am. You have to be wearing your t-shirt to get through the door. Once inside the theater, you can feel free to change out of your t-shirt.

Jason Mewes and Kevin will be greeting every attendee at the front door and snapping a bracelet on ya’ll. You’re required to wear this bracelet all day, so we can keep track of who belongs with out group and who doesn’t. If you’re not wearing your bracelet, you run the risk of getting booted out.

The greeting/bracelet-ing is gonna take awhile (we’ve got 850 people to get through the front doors), so please – no autograph or photo requests during the entry process. Catch us later in the day for that.

No outside food or drink.

ABSOLUTELY NO VIDEO CAMERAS. If you’ve got a video camera that takes stills, sorry – that’s not getting in either. Only still cameras are allowed. Anyone caught video-taping inside the Cinerama Dome at any time during Vulgarthon will get booted out.

We’ve got a long day ahead of us and a very tight schedule, so we’d appreciate your help in moving things along throughout the day. The last Q&A should end some time around 1 am Tuesday morning, and we’re gonna have to clear out of there as quickly as possible.

You’re welcome to bring stuff to get signed (DVD’s, books, etc.), but there are no guarantees that you’ll secure any autographs. With the schedule being what it is, we’ll be flowing from the end of a Q&A right into the start of the next flick; so if you’re chasing down guests for post Q&A signatures, just know that you run the risk of missing the start of the next flick.

During the video-taped Q&A’s (”Chasing Amy” and “Now You Know”), we ask that you refrain from asking panelists for autographs or asking non-flick-specific queries (i.e. – “Amy” and “NYK” queries only during those Q&A’s).

The naming of Robert Iger as Disney CEO will not heal the rupture that has resulted in Bob and Harvey Weinstein’s imminent departure from the company, Iger indicated Tuesday. “Negotiating a deal that will ultimately result in us parting company in some form is the right thing at this point,” Iger said in an interview with Bloomberg News, adding, “It will end amicably and it won’t be tense and there won’t be a lot of stress” Several reports have indicated that the separation could take place as early as this week. Meanwhile, the New York Post reported that the Weinsteins intend to include a book division in their new film company, even as Miramax Books is being absorbed into Disney’s Hyperion publishing house.

Jason Lee’s Fletch Won Casting Choices: “I think a lot of the View Askew guys were rooting for Ryan Reynolds for a while,” Lee said, which was news to me. “I think there’s a lot of hardcore View Askew fans out there that would like to see yours truly in the role, but you know, the powers that be, what can I say.”

Jason Lee Thanks You For Your Support: “The View Askew fans are amazing and they’ve always supported me. I like to check in on the board every once in a while and say hi and stuff like that. That means more to me than anything in the world. I get to pay the bills and do things that I like to do. There’s a pretty solid fan base out there. That’s a good place to be, I think. So I’m plenty satisfied.”

ALAS SMITH AND MOANS

When we pointed out last year that director Kevin Smith’s movie Jersey Girl had failed to set the box-office alight, it appears we touched a nerve.

Since then he’s mentioned the so-called slur in every interview, and at this weekend’s Empire Film Awards still had the cutting in his pocket.

Kev, mate, we can only apologise. We’re genuinely sorry more people didn’t flock to see your movie, which was described by one critic as “A more unbearable film than Gigli.”

While it’s flattering to be the focus of your obsession, we think enough’s enough. Maybe it’s time you concentrated on your film career.

Otherwise, a measly Empire award is the first and last gong you’re likely to win.

ALAS SMITH AND MOANS

I’d imagine that’s supposed to be “Alias Smith and Moans.”

When we pointed out last year that director Kevin Smith’s movie Jersey Girl had failed to set the box-office alight, it appears we touched a nerve.

If that’s what Headley got out of all that – that I’m miffed about something they said about “Jersey Girl” – then she’s as dumb as she is hard to look at, and as thick in the head as she is in the ankles.

For the record: it was the “fat, bearded, Hobbit-like” bit and the “insiders say” made-up crap that I’ve always objected to.

Since then he’s mentioned the so-called slur in every interview,

Um, I believe I’ve mentioned it five times exactly in nine months: once during the intro to “Jersey Girl” at the UK premiere, once during the Prince Charles Theater Q&A back in June, once while recording the commentary track for the “Jersey Girl” dvd, once during the Criterion Theater Q&A (for inclusion on the “Evening With Kevin Smith 2: Evening Harder” dvd), and once at the Empire Awards (largely because Headley was in attendance and amidst a room of folks who already can’t stand her).

and at this weekend’s Empire Film Awards still had the cutting in his pocket.

Wasn’t a clipping I had in my pocket; it was just the two quotes I read. Unlike those twats, I believe in accuracy, hence I wanted to quote their bullshit exactly as they penned it.

Kev, mate, we can only apologise. We’re genuinely sorry more people didn’t flock to see your movie, which was described by one critic as “A more unbearable film than Gigli.”

No apology necessary. As I told you the other night (after you tried to lay the blame for the “fat, bearded, Hobbit-like” quote off on your co-”columnists” instead of simply accepting the responsibility), at the end of the day, you gave me one more great story to tell in Q&A’s. And as you saw the other night, Caroline (and as you’ll see on the “Evening With Kevin Smith 2” dvd), it goes over like gangbusters with a crowd. What was especially delicious about the Empire Awards, though was that you were seated in the midst of the crowd in question… and it still went over huge. What self-respecting individual can sit in a room packed with people laughing at the mediocrity of their existence? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Caroline Headley.

While it’s flattering to be the focus of your obsession, we think enough’s enough. Maybe it’s time you concentrated on your film career.

Like many multi-faceted individuals, I can do two things at once. Yet “obsession”? Hardly. But when I’m in your backyard, it’s a no-brainer to push your snout in the mud. That material wouldn’t play across the pond because, really – who the fuck knows (or cares) what a 3am Girl is over here?

Otherwise, a measly Empire award is the first and last gong you’re likely to win

What a biting comeback. *yawn*

For the record, a few awards I’ve won in the past: at Sundance, I won the Filmmaker’s Trophy. In Cannes, I won the Prix de la Jeunesse and the International Critic’s Week Prize. At the Independent Spirit Awards, I won Best Screenplay for “Chasing Amy.” I’ve won the Defender of Democracy Award from PFAW, and a Humanitas for “Good Will Hunting.”

But, really… dismissing an Empire Award as “measly”? Not a way to get invited back to next year’s program, is it?

This proves that you can learn something new every day: apparently, there is such a thing as a “useless cunt.”

“The film is set after Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back, but we’re not sure how long after. It might be real time, so three or four years on.

“There are no cameos this time around. That’s worked well in the past, but for this movie we’re trying to keep to the feel, spirit and tone of the first flick.

“We’ve also kept it mainly about Dante and Randall. Jay and Silent Bob only have very small roles in the film probably as much, if not less, screen time than in the first one.

“It’s all brand new stuff too from start to finish, it’s not like Jay And Silent Bob Strike Back where we borrowed the monkey bit from a comic book I did about them.”