Kevin Smith
Movie director and actor. His films include Clerks, Dogma, and Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

I own a comic-book store called Jay and Silent Bob’s Secret Stash, in Red Bank, N.J. But it isn’t just a comic-book store. If you’re a fan of any of the five movies we’ve made, it’s a destination resort. Of course, first and foremost, we sell comics, graphic novels, and trade paperbacks from all the labels, major and indie. We also sell toys, statues, posters, and other comic-book-related merchandise. Where we deviate from the standard comic-book store is in our blatant and almost vulgar self-promotion of tchotchkes from the flicks we’ve made. Looking for a signed Clerks poster? Buy it at the Stash. Must have the T-shirt that Jason Lee wore in Mallrats? We sell it. In desperate need of a miniature replica of the Buddy Christ statue from Dogma? You’ll find it there. Can’t live without Jay and Silent Bob action figures? We can fix your jones.

But what makes the store really special (at least for me) is that it’s stacked, floor to ceiling, with props from the movies. Even if you don’t want to buy anything at the Stash (shudder the thought), you can just come in and treat the place like a View Askew [Smith’s production company] museum. There’s the BluntMobile from Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, complete with life-size dummies of me and Jason Mewes driving. There’s the grappling gun from Mallrats, the Poop Monster and the Mooby the Golden Calf statue from Dogma, and the original artwork and selected pieces of wardrobe from Chasing Amy. It’s a fan’s dream come true and a curious passerby’s excellent way to kill 20 minutes.

ROCK THE VOTE
Kevin Smith Can’t Decide Which Figures to Make…So It’s Up to You!
Here’s the thing, folks: I’m far too close to these characters (particularly that Jay guy; I’m tellin’ you, just because two guys sleep in a bed together—naked—doesn’t mean they’re any more than just friends). I have a fundamental philosophical and ideological block that prevents me from choosing just four characters from our upcoming Mallrats wave to stick in each case. I want to include them all! The stink-palm goodness of Brodie! The Punisher War Journal-mongering beauty of René! The mustard-stained-shirtyness of Willam! The Bat-Ass-y-ness of Silent Bob! The “Fly, fat-ass, fly!” fly-ness of Jay! The “Tell ‘em, Steve-Dave!”-edness of Steve-Dave and Walt the Fan Boy! It is simply impossible for me to decide which four should go into this first wave of Mallrats figures.
That’s where you guys come in.
Just as you were asked to vote for the life or death of Jason Todd, I, Graphitti Designs, Wizard Entertainment and ToyFare are asking you to vote on which four get the leads in the primary assortment of our latest Clerks Inaction figures, set to hit shelves this November. You vote ‘em, and we’ll pack ‘em. And the sweet thing is you don’t even have to worry about the figures you didn’t vote for: rest assured, money whore I am, they’ll wind up in the Mallrats Wave 2 release (after we do a Dogma wave, a Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back wave, a Chasing Amy wave, and another Clerks wave)! The bad news: You can’t vote for any of them to be beaten by a crowbar and blown up by the Joker (although what you do with them at home is your own business). The good news: You’re being extended a degree of false democratic choice in the process! Some will live! Some will die! But none of them will move their hands, heads or legs!
So, c’mon, tribe! Do me a solid and click here and vote some of these poor bastards off the island so we can finally release these sweet, sweet, immobile little S.O.B.s! Do this for me, and I promise I’ll finally finish Spider-Man/Black Cat.