How much I weigh is none of your business. I’ll talk about being fat, but that number, you don’t need it.

Hollywood is 30 square miles surrounded by reality. It’s an industry based on froth, cheap dreams and fantasies that we can sell you for 15 bucks. That being said, if you can keep your nose clean and navigate those waters, it’s the best job in the world. Unfortunately there are a bunch of dicks in my line of work that make it so tawdry.

Money doesn’t make you happy, but it does buy ease. Can I just pay somebody to mow the lawn because I don’t want to do it any more?

I have a tattoo of the Mad Hatter. I got that after we shot Clerks. I’d broken up with a girl and was feeling blue so I was drinking a lot of boxed Zinfandel. My friend was like: “That’s awesome, man – why did you get it?” I said: “Because I’m always late, right?” He goes: “That’s the White Rabbit.” So I have the Mad Hatter on my arm and it has no significance whatsoever, except to remind me not to drink wine out of a box.

The only movie I’ve ever walked out of is The Flintstones. That’s saying a lot, because I’ve sat through some utter shit.

The only threesomes I’ve been in have never been instigated by me. One person is work enough. Two people, that’s ridiculous. Me being fat and lazy, I’m more of a watcher at that point.

Being funny gets you a lot of places, dude.

I own Ben Affleck’s old house. I am not Ben Affleck-rich but I am a sultan compared to who I ever expected to be. My father made less than $30,000 a year as a postal clerk. It was soul killing, but he had to support his family.

The other day when I was getting my hair cut the girl said: “You know, there are people doing hair transplants now that are really good?” Look at the rest of me! That’s like putting a Band-Aid on cancer.

Bruce Willis is probably the most intimidating actor I’ve worked with. I find him – and I don’t mean this in an insulting way – undirectable. He has all sorts of range, but what he’s predominantly known for is playing the guy who holds his gun down by his side and saves people. How do you tell Bruce Willis to be Bruce Willis?

Playboy asked me to shoot an erotic image. I said I’d like to photograph my wife. They were like: “Oh… ” You could hear it in their voices: “We put really hot chicks in Playboy and we’ve seen you. No way you’ve got a hot wife.” So I sent them a picture and it was fine.

If I go to the mall, maybe five people throughout the day will recognize me. That’s totally manageable. Without those cats I haven’t got a house to live in.

My taste buds don’t run to anything remotely good for me. The most I ever took off on the Atkins diet was maybe 50lb, but you feel like you’re going to have a heart attack because you’re eating so much meat and cheese.

I gave up cigarettes about a year ago. I just started smoking so much marijuana that I had no time for cigarettes. That’s way better.

The last thing I wanted that I couldn’t have? A day off. It’s a lot of work being a fat clown.

Shooting the Sh*t with Kevin Smith is published by Titan Books, £9.99

Live: Kevin Smith at the Orpheum Theatre

The onetime indie-film maverick conducts a rambling, profane and ultimately entertaining Q & A session with fans.

Dwarfed by the cavernous stage of downtown’s Orpheum Theatre, indie film icon Kevin Smith held court Saturday night on a black leather couch that looked as if it came straight from 1994. Bathrobe clad, he took questions from faithful fans with an outing that, were it anyone but the affably crude Smith, might be billed as a one-man show.

Here it was just “An Evening With Kevin Smith,” the latest in a touring series of lengthy Q&A’s that the auteur periodically does to sold-out crowds in venues such as New York’s Carnegie Hall or Roy Thompson Hall in Toronto. Employing the same stoned, shaggy-dog storytelling of his films (and numerous expletives), Smith worked the volley of queries like a seasoned tennis pro. Or, as the hockey-loving Smith might prefer, like “The Great One” Wayne Gretzky, anticipating the puck.

In responses that lasted from four words to 45 minutes, Smith roamed far and wide, touching on such topics as the intimidating joys of working with Bruce Willis on his upcoming feature “A Couple of Dicks” and ordering $800 of groceries from Yummy.com while high. Typically sex-centric, self-deprecatingly honest and often hilarious, Smith’s extemporaneous ruminations had the flavor of therapy, albeit therapy for an adept showman.

The 39-year-old Smith admitted as much backstage after the show, “It’s probably more fun for me than any of them because I just get to sit up there for three hours and talk about my life.” Smith said he doesn’t prepare for these shows, he just goes up and talks — though the Internet dialogue he maintains with his fans gives him a strong foundation from which to work.

Some laughs are reserved for the geek-erati, but reading between the profanity-laden lines, those less familiar with Smith’s work could discern an intriguing subtext: an elegy for independent film.

Smith was a child of Harvey Weinstein’s Miramax, a product of a unique and exciting time in the early ’90s when independent filmmakers didn’t even bother to storm the gates of studios. They just went out and made films with no names, no budgets and no plot — and found an audience.

Smith grappled with fears of irrelevance until he finally embraced the uncertainty of his artistic direction and accepted that he might be moving from an apprentice filmmaker fueled by “brio and passion” to a hoped-for calmer craftsman.

Meditating backstage on his legacy, Smith’s thoughts on leaving behind the kid who made “Clerks” and “Chasing Amy” could apply to the film community in general: “I want to honor that kid because I spent so long being that person, but the adult in me wants to tell that kid . . . ‘You don’t get it, you’ll understand in a couple of years, life is about shifting focuses.’ “

SModcast 96: Take Off That Little Hat and Be Killed! – In which our heroes turn to the audience for guidance.

You can grab the show, TOTALLY FREE, exclusively at Quick Stop Entertainment. Fire it up in your MP3 player of choice for over an hour of free laughs — The absolute best value on the internet today.

ThatKevinSmith – Dear @edgarwright @simonpegg & @nickjfrost: Thanking you anew for the truly brilliant SHAUN OF THE DEAD – which I just watched again & LOVE.

simonpegg – Bless you @ThatKevinSmith for your kind words. You taught us it was okay to write about the things we love. Snooch.