I had the pleasure of traveling on Continental Airlines this month, and I was blessed with a movie, Good Will Hunting. Now, as you will remember, Good Will Hunting is full of swear words and off-color jokes. These must, of course, be edited out to be shown on the plane. Below I have compiled a list of the top five replacements actually dubbed over the movie to replace the dreaded F-word:

5) Hecka, as in “You’re hecka kidding me!”

4) Drop dead, substituted in for “Fuck You!” (Made the “You’re the shepherd” joke not make any sense.)

3) Freakin’, as in “That’s freakin’ funny!”

2) Burger, as in “Here’s your burger sandwich!” (Now, does that make sense?)

1) (By far, the best) Goofy, as in “That goofy state trooper!”

Ben Affleck is on top of the world. At 25, he won the Academy Awardwith his boyhood friend, Matt Damon, for their screenplay for “Good Will Hunting.” And now he is asought-after actor.

But sudden success has created a surprise or two for him.

“Because the movie business is such a sort of brass ring, theconsequence is the deification of people in the business,” he said. “And the biggest surprise is, strangely,how normal and fallible the gods and demigods are in the business. You run across your heroes and, believeit or not, they’re not unlike the people you went to high school with.”

(Maybe it depends on the high school.)

Affleck has a top role in “Armageddon.” (“I’m Bruce Willis’ protégé,and I’m also the guy he finds in bed with his daughter, who’s played by Liv Tyler,” he said.) He’s nowin London completing “Shakespeare in Love,” a romantic comedy; he has already finished”Dogma,” a religious satire with, among others, Damon, Chris Rock and Linda Fiorentino. And he’s set tostart “Forces of Nature,” a love story with Sandra Bullock.

Affleck seems to look on the sudden avalanche of money and fame witha cool distance. “Success tends to just exacerbate the personality traits you already have,” hesaid. “In other words, a guy who’s unpleasant and irritating and insecure becomes more so with fame andmoney. If you’re a bad person at the outset, then power gives you a license to visit yourunpleasant personality traits on other people.

“And then there are guys like Robin Williams, who’s enormouslycompassionate, who visits hospitals when you never hear about it, who gives money away withoutannouncing. Guys like that were compassionate from the outset.”

Affleck said he tried to maintain a normal life. “You have to policeyourself because the tendency is to get spoiled and accustomed to preferential treatment,” he said.

If there’s one downside to success, he said, it’s that relationshipswith friends and family change. “There’s a different dynamic,” he said. “And your family shares theburden of having to answer questions in supermarket checkout lines. ‘Oh, Affleck,’ the clerksays. ‘Any relation to Ben?’ Because of me, their lives have changed, and I haven’t asked theirpermission.”

“If I have any regret, it’s that I didn’t change my name to afford myfamily more privacy,” he said.

Latest Comics Project:Writing the bitchin’ adventures of Jay and Silent Bob in Oni Press’ Jay & Silent Bob miniseries starting in July. “There’s a connection to the movies here,: said Smith. “This takes place between ‘Chasing Amy’ and ‘Dogma’, and Jay and Bob appear in both movies.” He’s also contracted to write at least six issues of Marvel‘s Daredevil starting in September (“I’ve got all six issues outlined, and full plots on #1-#3), and landed a writing gig on DC‘s Green Arrow Sometime in the future.

Latest Film:Currently in Pittsburgh, Penn., filming his latest flick “Dogma”, a supernatural road-trip comedy starring Matt Damon and Ben Affleck. “We’re in the third week of shooting and we’ve got four weeks to go,” said Smith. “We just finished up three nights in a row, which last till around six in the morning. Those get real tiring.”

First off, I’ve gotta say that I’m the most exhausted that I’ve ever been in my life. We’re all running on fumes here at ‘Bearclaw’, as we make that mad dash to the finish line (we’re about five days away from wrapping).

Which means that more folks are starting to disappear. Today we lost two of them: Salma and Alanis.

Yes – Alanis is in the movie (though what part she’s playing, wild horses couldn’t drag out of me).

Two very different actresses; two very different performances. One very depressed director.

Salma was an anthrapomorphic sonic boom on set – a presence that always invigorated. When they said big things come in small packages (whoever said it first), they were talking about the mujer herself (hopefully, ‘mujer’ still means ‘woman’… my Spanish is mucho rusty). Hers is a breakthrough performance, marking new terrain for the little Latina. A loooooooong time ago, Robert Rodriguez and I were talking about Salma being cast in the flick, and he said she had a knack for comedy that hadn’t been explored yet.

Call me Magellan.

And as for my favorite Canadian/Human on the planet…

Well, how can I put this diplomatically…

Fuck anyone that had the temerity to diss her on this board. She turned in one of the best peformances in the flick – not an easy feat, that, considering the high calibre of work turned in by everyone. And in addition to her thesping skills, she’s about the kindest, most pure soul I’ve ever met (qualities that always come in handy on a movie set – especially one that’s as ready to cash it in as this one). She’ll be missed by not many – but rather ALL (especially yours truly).

And lastly, last week, me and Mewes performed ‘the song’ in the strip club. I was the most terrified I’ve ever felt, having to get up and sing – so much so that I demanded a closed-set (only six folks, two cameras, me and Mewes). But when all was said and done, to be really honest here, the scene was hillarious. It represents a whole new side to Silent Bob.