Captain Marvel: This is one of the superhero costumes that most shows off the package, which, I think, is really the secret agenda of male superhero costumes. Even though I’ve never been a fan of the button-over, I’ve always loved this costume.

Starman: Elegant and simple. If there were such a thing as superheroes, this is what they’d look like. Doesn’t do much to hide one’s identity, but with a phallic cosmic rod, does it matter?

Witchblade: Who the hell could fight crime in this getup? Who the hell could do anything in this getup? God forbid you trip. What if somebody commits a crime in the winter?

Too Much Coffee Man: Never really liked this costume. But it’s also a hero I’ve never really understood. I don’t drink coffee. From what I understand, he doesn’t do much crime fighting, so I don’t think that big cup on his head is much of a hindrance.

Kingpin: If you were a man with that girth you’d want to wear darker colors. Whites will show you off poorly. And the purple pants? How are you supposed to take him seriously with pants like that? I guess when you’re that big, no one’s gonna give you shit about what you’re wearing.