Director Kevin Smith called in to promote his new DVD. Howard said he hasn’t had him on much lately because he doesn’t think people care about Kevin. Howard said people probably don’t even know his movies. Howard said what got his attention was the fact that Kevin told them that he has tape of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez talking about Howard. Kevin told Howard that he hasn’t tried to call in since the last time he was on the show. Howard said Gary told him that he has tried to contact them though.Howard said there were rules about this tape that Kevin has. Howard said they got a letter from Kevin that said he can’t play the tape without him setting it up. He also has to get a plug in for his new DVD ”An Evening with Kevin Smith” where he sits down for 3 and a half hours and does a Q&A with some college kids. He said it’s pretty funny. Howard took a call from a guy who said he’s a big fa! n of Kevin’s and took offense to what Howard had said about him no being popular. Kevin joked and said that he wanted to thank his father for calling in. Howard took a couple more calls for Kevin and people defended him against the stuff Howard said.

Howard got to the clip and played the clip that Kevin sent them. It’s actually from his movie ”Jersey Girl.” Kevin said he wrote the lines but he might change them today because of the stuff Howard was saying about him. Howard spent a couple more minutes with him and took a call from Crazy Cabbie. Cabbie asked a question about Ben Affleck and the possibility that he wears a wig. Kevin said he doesn’t wear a wig though. Howard told Kevin that he really does like him so he shouldn’t be upset about the stuff he was saying earlier. Howard then wrapped up the call and replayed the clip of Ben and Jen talking about Howard in the movie. After listening to it again Howard and the guys thought the scene needed some music. Fred threw in a music clip he had and it actually worked. Howard said there are some movie scenes that don’t need music and played a couple of porn clips to demonstrate.

I’ll be doing my dancin’ monkey routine at Villanova tonight, but right after the show, I’ve gotta get back to Jersey, as we leave for L.A. on an early flight. Heading out west to pick up my “Defender of the Universe” award (alright – it’s “Defender of Democracy”) on the 11th.

But while I’m out there, I’m also going to drop in on “The Tonight Show” to intro the “Roadside Attractions” piece we did a few weeks back. That’s the night of December 12th (Wednesday?), for those of you who’re tuning in to my TV appearances to gauge how much weight I’ve gained/lost.

And apparently, Mister Leno was pleased enough with the initial piece to send us out to do some more. So on Thursday, we’ll be hitting some roadside attractions out in the L.A. area. If you live near a giant dinosaur or the world’s Largest House of Mud (”They didn’t use mud, they used sod, dad.”), drop by and say hello.

Speaking of saying hello, a belated shout-out to all the folks who made their way to the soccer field Thursday for the short film shoot. You did my heart proud, and you helped us build a traffic jam that looked fairly realistic. I won’t get a chance to start editing the footage ’til my return from L.A., so it won’t be seeing air until some time in January. I’ll give you a heads-up as the premiere draws nearer.

And for the Green Arrow enthusiasts in our midst: don’t know why the book’s running late. I think it had something to do with Thanksgiving and “The Dark Knight Strikes Again” (a read I wholeheartedly recommend). Rest assured, I believe it’s shipping this week.

Short of that, please be well.

And try not to kill one another in my absence, okay?

So I guess the news is out there now. Last night was your last chance to catch the cartoon. Ya’ll are going to have to wait until the video release to see the remaining four.

What more can I say about the wonder boys in charge of ABC that I haven’t already? Hey man – I know the ratings weren’t great, but there were only four more to go. It was about the only bone they could’ve thrown us after the tremendous fucking they bled us with earlier in the year.

Fucking big business. Turns my damn stomach (which takes a great deal of effort, as the stomach in question is more full of shit than the word of an ABC exec).

If you’re so inclined, let ‘em know you’re disappointed, folks. Address all complaints to Stu Blumberg and Lloyd Braun, c/o ABC.

A fucking Stu and fucking Lloyd…

They sure were ones.

We now return you to ‘Spin City’ at 9:30 on Wednesdays. Because, man – that show’s reeeeeaaaaaallllllly funny.

By Josef Adalian

HOLLYWOOD (Variety) – “Clerks” is going out of business.

After just two airings, ABC has pulled the plug on the animated comedy based on helmer Kevin Smith’s 1994 feature of the same name. Repeats of “Spin City” will slide into the 9:30 p.m. Tuesday time slot starting next week.

The Miramax TV-produced “Clerks” failed to register with viewers, sliding from a weak 5.2 rating/9 share premiere on May 31 to an even more dismal 4.1/7 in its second outing this week. Among viewers in the key adults 18-49 demographic, Tuesday’s episode scanned a 2.8 rating, dropping nearly two full ratings points from its “Drew Carey Show” lead-in.

In addition to poor ratings, ABC execs have also had to wrestle with advertiser defections from “Clerks.” The show’s edgy content scared off several major sponsors, insiders said.

Smith has been vocal in his displeasure about how ABC scheduled and promoted the series, which was originally targeted for a midseason 1999-2000 bow. Miramax TV president Billy Campbell was diplomatic Thursday, praising Smith and his team for their work and concluding the show simply “wasn’t right for ABC.”

Each household rating point represents an estimated 994,000 homes, or 1% of the country’s TV households. Each adults 18-49 rating point represents 1.239 million viewers, 1% of the U.S. total. A share is the same sort of percentage, except it’s measured against only the homes or viewers watching TV during the time slot involved.