• Well, unless you live in a hole somewhere (and probably even if you do), you’ve heard about or watched the Mallrats airing on ABC. That’s right: A Kevin Smith flick on network TV. Who’d have ever thought we’d see the day? Naturally, a good portion of the dialogue was butchered to make the flick network-friendly, but, in the process, we also caught a few short snippets of new stuff, a nice preview to what we’ll see in the Special Edition.

SCENE 1 – TS asking Brandi to pretend she’s Superman revealing his secret to Lois in the beginning before kissing her and carryinger to the station wagon.

SCENE 2 – TS and Brodie parking the car in the morning and walking to the mall, where TS blames Brodie for his fallout with Brandi and Brodie giving his “nugget” of advice.

SCENE 3 – The dialogue about Svenning graduating “cum laude in ‘69″ is replaced by Brodie asking him about how shiny the ring was and Svenning saying how he doesn’t have time to polish his ring.

SCENE 4 – Tricia asking La Fours to help her with her project as he’s looking at the rope Bob is hanging from.

SCENE 5 – Different footage of Shannon and Tricia in bed is used. It shows them just after the sex. This one had them after sex, laughing, and joking around

SCENE 6 – The cops coming in to arrest Svenning after the TV executives asks Brodie about hosting a television show.

Edited Material…

• Wondering what changed? Did you catch it all? This doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface, after all, Mallrats isn’t exactly the movie that you’d have thought would EVER hit network TV. We’ve compiled a list from what we’ve heard and seen ourselves, it’s not complete, but it gives you an idea of some of the ridiculous things a network censor will have a character say or do to make a movie airable:
• Edited out the words fart, damn and hell
• “fart” becomes “vomit”; Brodie: “Did you ever vomit in front of her?”
• “goin’ down” becomes “foolin’ around”
• “slept with” becomes “spoke with”
• “sex” becomes “the session” (how p.c. can you get?)
• “boobs” becomes “body”
• “retarded” becomes “ecstatic”
• “retard” becomes “reject”
• The mysterious gray towel that appeared over Svenning’s ass at the beginning
• Trisha Jones’ “Speaking Sessions”
• Why was Jay so badly dubbed half the time? Whoever they hired to do it didn’t even sound like Jason Mewes! Although, it was kind of funny whenever Jay’s voice changed in half-sentence…
• kept cutting short the shot of Jay & Silent Bob’s “blueprints” for the demolition of the set so I could only catch a fleeting glimpse of the last pic of the two of them celebrating.
• Brodie saying (”… and when I’m relaxed, I get sick.”)
• “Rug Munchers” now just “Rugs”.
• Brodie’s “Holy Shit!” replaced with “Holy snot!”
• They cut out the Shannon Hamilton at Rahway Correctional Facility at the end.
• whole extra-minute (or so) of Svenning dancing after the security peeps hall Brodie and TS was too long
• “Fly fatass, fly!” was edited out along with “Boregasem” (Bored-on?)
• “All it took was a fat karate punch?”
• The first Ben-Doherty ass slap (I believe it was going up the escalator) was cut, the second (in the Foot Locker-type store) was kept in and the third (and oh boy, you’d better believe this gets me) by Doherty was also kept in. Benny’s only batting .500 on ass-slaps ladies and gentlemen, while Brenda bats 1.000
• Brandi talk about Julie Dwyer having the “biggest rear” in school
• No stink-palm
• Of course, all curses were dubbed over. The person they had dub over Jay’s lines sounded NOTHING like him. It was the worst of the bunch.
• The opening Cousin Walter monolouge was cut. Instead they played a remixed version of “Social” over the establishing shots of the mall. The other Cousin Walter story is cut altogether.
• The part where Shannon is beating up Brodie in the hallway: Shannon says, “I like to fuck girls in an uncomfortable place.” Then Brodie says, “Like in the back of a Volkswagen?” Well, in the ABC version, Shannon says, “I like to take girls on cheap dates.” Brodie says his line and the whole running joke is ruined. It made no sense.
• The bookstore scene where Jay and Silent Bob are reading. Silent Bob’s reading “Mike, Spike Slacker’s and Dykes”, they cut out the dykes part of the book.
• The second “Cousin Walter’ Scene was totally cut.
• Brenda refers to Willam as “jerk” instead of “dick”.
• “what sounds Bordie would make” was cut to just “That’s too personal” and the audience was laughing.
• The comics in the credits that had questionable material (”Buttman”, “Weapon seX”, “The Fantastic Two” and “The Man”) weren’t fully shown.
• During the Ivanna scenes, there were more shots of TS and Brodie. To hide the breasts, the shot was cropped so you can only see her head When Ivanna approaches Brodie a different angle, one that showed her from behind, was used.
• “At Universal Studios, Florida” was cut from text about what happened to TS and Brandi.
• Closing credits weren’t show with Jay and Silent Bob walking off. They were put on the side of the screen with commercials of ABC shows running on the other side. “Jay and Silent Bob will return in ‘Chasing Amy’” wasn’t shown at all.