ALL NUDE NEWS!!!!
Alright – so it’s partially-clad news.
So here’s the deal: after months of speculation – both by me and a slew of other cats who aren’t me – about what’s going to happen to the ‘Clerks’ cartoon, I can finally spill my guts.
It’s going to air on ABC.
Not that big a shock, right? Some have expected it, others thought we’d be buying it back through Miramax and releasing it as a feature. Believe me – that was almost what happened. For the last two months, it’s what we were gearing up for. Framing devices to link the episodes were planned (including my favorite suggestion by Paul Dini: a ‘Song of the South’ approach, with a modern-day Uncle Remus – which Rock would’ve been perfect for – spinning yarns about B’rer Dante, B’rer Randal, and that rascally B’rer Jay), and as soon as contracts were signed, the re-realization of six episodes into one feature would’ve began. But then Mosier and I thought about it, long and hard, and opted against. At the end of the day, it was never conceived as a flick, and trying to force it into the mold of one would only diminish what we’d accomplished with the episodes. This was born a tv show, and it’ll die (ratings-wise, no doubt) a tv show. But when all’s said and done, at least you guys and gals – the hardcore fans – will get to see it for free.
So on May 31st, you’ll be able to tune in and watch what we and all the fine folks who actually labored on the shows spent the last year working on. No telling if all six will make it to air (remember – this is the network that cancelled Pete Berg’s excellent ‘Wonderland’ after only two eps); I guess that has a lot to do with the ratings. Hopefully, since there’s only six, and it’s only summer, ABC will let ‘em all see the light of day…
Not without cuts, of course. For those of you who caught the ‘Clip Show’ episode at some of my college gigs, you got to see the ‘Flinstones List’ gag which will not air when ‘Clip Show’ runs during week two. Deemed too offensive by the network’s standards and practices, it’ll be sliced out – as will a handful of other jokes from other episodes (depsite the fact that the network’s running a disclaimer at the top of each episode). For all their uncut glory, you’ll have to pick the eps up on video when Miramax eventually releases them (with video intros by yours truly), somewhere down the road.
It sucks, but it’s not my network, and I don’t call the shots (or the cuts). At least they’re finally going to be seen.
And be seen they will. The great irony is that even if we get some shitty ratings (like, say, a five share), we’ll still have reached more folks in a single sitting than have seen any of our flicks singly in theatrical release. An example of this: ‘Wasteland’, the other cursed Miramax tv production that ABC also dumped, got around a five share on its worst night. A five share equals a little over five million viewers. Multiply that by the average ticket price of six bucks, and you’ve got an equivalent box office gross of thirty million – which is what ‘Dogma’ made and was considered a hit at. Go figure.
It’s been a weird, strange trip, our foray into tv-land. It’s odd that this is how it all ends. Let me tell you – I have a great, newfound respect for anybody that can keep a show on tv for more than a season (hell, even a crappy one). It’s a lot tougher than it looks (which doesn’t explain ‘Two Guys and a Girl’ at all).
Whew. Onto other stuff.
The first of the two hinted at announcements from the other day was going to be the ‘Clerks’ cartoon movie, which we’ve dealt, and isn’t happening. The other announcement is also something that’s not going to come to fruition, but I’ll tell you what it was anyway.
We were going to open a movie theatre in Red Bank.
There’s this dinner theatre across from the diner on Monmouth Street that shuttered a few months back. We were in negotiations to pick it up, throw in some projectors, and turn it into ‘Jay and Silent Bob’s Groovy Movies’, which would’ve been a rep house, showing all manner of flicks that have gone the way of video. For example, our inaugural month would’ve been Comics in Film month, and we would’ve shown ‘Batman’ one week, ‘Superman’ the next, etc., etc. You get the idea – all flicks that you could easily watch on video, but would be cool to see again on the big screen.
Regardless, we opted in the end to let it go, as the rent was ultimately too cost prohibitive. Rest assured – this is something we’ll get around to doing one day, as it’s too cool an idea not to do. But when we do it, it’ll be at a lot less than a hundred grand a year lease.
That being said, I read with great interest the speculation that the announcements were going to have something to do with another Vulgarthon – so much so that we started asking ourselves “Hey – when are we going to have another Vulgarthon?”
And I have an answer.
Vulgarthon 2000 will be held in October – more than likely on Halloween. Costumes are not required, but we’re going to give out some sweet prizes to those who do come dressed as various View Askew characters (swallow your dignity and win a poster!). The lineup is going to be as follows:
