Here’s the equation. You kick up a fuss about something and it automatically makes ten times more money than if you had just ignored it in the first place. For instance, some members of your species made a stink over my consumption of a nephew named Raymond. That episode later went on to gross…OKAY, BAD EXAMPLE! But when something becomes controversial, a maladjusted mantis like me will phone his friends and turn out in plague-like proportions. You wanna know the truth about this flick? The real sin is that it just isn’t funny. You know what’s funny? People accidentally spewing stuff out their nostrils. That’s funny! You put a camera on Kevin Smith, give him a mouthful of strawberry milkshake and goose him in the ribs? BAM! Instant masterpiece. I once saw a guy munching on trail mix accidentally sneeze a walnut as big as the tip of your finger. You should have seen the torque on it! I laughed for three weeks. Projectile sneezing is FUNNY. End of lesson!

“CLERKS” 1994

STARS : Brian O’Halloran, Jeff Anderson, Kevin Smith, Lisa Spoonauer, Jason Mewes

Plot : Director Kebin Smith’s brilliantly observed tale of a day in the life of a bone-idle convenience store clerk & his foul mouth mate. Smith himself stars as the legendary Silent Bob.

Rock N Roll Connection : The ultimate slacker movie, with a prime alt-rock soundtrack.

Best Moment : O’Halloran’s horrified realisation that his girlfriend has “sucked 37 dicks”. Or the ill-tempered roof hockey game.

If It were A Band It Would Be : Screaming Trees

4. “DOGMA”

>From the creator of “Clerks”, “Mallrats” & “Chasing Amy” comes this tale of two angels, Loki (Matt Damon) & Bartleby (Ben Affleck) , who’ve been kicked out of heaven, & their futile attempts to get back in. The only way they can return to paradise comes with one unfortunate side-efffect: the world could end. Jay & Silent Bob are the stoned prophets who try to prevent them pissing off god, who is portrayed by the equine-faced Alanis Morissette. She is unlikely to go down on anyone in a theatre here.

Release Date: December 26

RANDAL

There’s nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

Dogma’s quiet one spills the beans on why Jason Mewes does movies.

Kevin Smith wrote Dogma. He directed Dogma. And he acted in Dogma, playing Silent Bob, one-half of New Jersey’s infamous duo introduced in Kev’s first flick, Clerks. The other half — who more than makes up for Silent Bob’s quietude — is Jay, the on-the-prowl motormouth played by Jason Mewes. From what Kevin told IGN Movies in a recent interview, there’s a thin line between Mewes and Jay. If one exists at all.

IGN Movies: Mewes really does a great job in Dogma.

Kevin: He does hold his own really well in the movie, and that’s a strong testimony to his performance. There are a lot of good actors in the film, and when Jay’s on camera he commands the screen.

IGN Movies: Does he act in any other films besides yours?

Kevin: No. He should. But he doesn’t. He’s weird.

IGN Movies: Does he get many offers?

Kevin: I think after Dogma we’ll see a lot more. But, generally, no. Sometimes people call up: “We’re doing a skiing comedy, do you think he would want to do it?” And Mewes is like, “Alright, I’m going to go to the audition.” And he never winds up going.

He’s not like most actors. He’s not like Affleck and Damon. Of course, they’re career-oriented, they like to build a body of work. Mewes is always asking, “When are we doing the next movie?” Generally it’s about three things. Number one, getting paid. Number two, he gets to keep his wardrobe — it’s free clothes. And then you get breakfast burritos in the morning, and he likes that. We’ll sit around, off season, not making movies, and invariably, sooner or later, he’ll say, “Wouldn’t it be great if we had those breakfast burritos?” And we’ll go, “Yeah, it’d be kinda cool.” And he’s like, “Those are so awesome. Man, I miss that. When you making another movie?”

He’ll say weird things. He called up today, and he said, “I’m thinking about doing what you do.” I do Q&A’s at colleges, and sometimes I’ll bring him with me. He said, “I’m thinking about doing that, but I don’t really want to speak ’cause I don’t that much to say. I just want to go out there, maybe sign autographs or something. Do you think they’ll pay me for that?” He’s always trying to figure out harebrained ways to make money. And I’m like, “Dickhead, why don’t you just go be in a movie? Make $50,000 or $60,000, and then you’ll be set.” And he’ll say, “Yeah, I mean I guess we could do that, too.”

We did a day on Scream 3. When we got there, they gave us T-shirts in the trailer. And Mewes was ecstatic: “We got free shirts!” And they gave us per diem living expense money, which was two hundred dollars. “And cash! We got cash!” Never mind the check for his acting, that’s not concrete, that comes in two weeks. But the two hundred dollars and the shirt were in his hand, and he was saying stuff like, “You and me should do this all the time. We should go to all the horror movies and pop up for a scene, and we get this kind of money! And a T-shirt!” I said, “I think you should really start thinking about acting for a living, and stop thinking about popping up in horror movies for a scene.” He’s going to be like Lou Ferrigno [TV’s The Incredible Hulk]. [Laughing, shaking his head] Go to comic book shows, charge $25 for a picture with Jay.